My Confession (since you asked)

If there's one thing I've always been hesitant to blog about, or talk about, it's my weight.
I hate the topic.
Every so often I mention my struggles with weight. Lately it's been a positive thing. I'm running, I'm liking my body, I'm getting kudos from my doctor.
And whenever I write about it I get a comment asking how I'm doing it. I get asked that in person too.
So, here's me coming clean.
Weight Watchers.
And, I'm also admitting this, I've gone back to attending meetings.
I'm embarrassed to admit it. To me Weight Watchers is somewhere that "fat" people go. As someone who has fought against that stigma my entire life telling people I go to Weight Watchers is tough.
The first time I did the program I was in university. I had about 40 lbs to lose and I didn't know where to turn. So I went there. No one knew. I told one of my closest friends (who always covered for me when friends asked where I was) and I told my boyfriend at the time( now my husband.)
Eventually I told my mom. I remember the conversation. It went somewhat along the lines of me saying "I have to tell you something..." I'm sure my mom thought I was going to tell her I was on drugs or pregnant. So, when I told her I was doing weight watchers, she was not only delighted, but somewhat relieved.
I went on to lose the 40 lbs and become a lifetime member.
But the truth of the matter is that I'm still really ashamed that I need to belong to such an organization to maintain a healthy body size.
On Wednesday, after my doctor told me I needed to lose 10 more pounds, I looked up Weight Watchers meetings online, found one, and went.
My husband asked me why I was sounding so depressed about it. He couldn't figure out why I was so upset about going.
I explained to him that I feel like an alcoholic going to an AA meeting after falling off the wagon. Because lately I feel like I have fallen off the wagon.
One cookie has turned into about 8 cookies. One chip has turned into a bag of chips. And, I realized the other day that I can't stop on my own. I need to get back in control. I need to start going to meetings.
I know I can get it back. That's the beauty of a program like Weight Watchers. I have all the tools. I know how to live a healthy lifestyle. It's about eating right, staying within the limits, writing what you eat, attending meetings, exercising, and drinking water.
It's been successful for me many times.
But, I wish there was a cure. I wish I could take a pill and solve the problem. I don't mean a pill to be a thin. I mean a pill that wouldn't make me want to eat all my troubles away.
The good news is that I have reigned it back in. I've taken the control back this week. I haven't gained 50 lbs I have gained 3. And I can quite easily lose that.
And then I will lose the other 10 lbs, and I will be back in control.
But, until then I feel like I must say "Hi, I'm Laural Dawn, and I am a foodaholic..."
Anyone wanna come to a meeting with me?

The Unexpected

“Surprise is the greatest gift which life can grant us.”

Boris Pasternak

In the last little while tons of unexpected things have happened. Not huge things that have been life changing, just little unexpected things that make life good.

Take for instance yesterday. I was sitting at my desk, and it was a pretty quiet day when my phone rang. It was one of my cousins who I don't see very often. She was in town for an interview and wondered if I had time for a quick coffee. I did. We sipped lattes and chatted. It was nice. We've never done that.
If you had asked me on Monday who I'd have coffee with that week, my cousin Emily would never have come to mind.

And then yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend I haven't seen in ages. The last time I saw her I don't think I was even pregnant with Matt. We just lost contact. Things kind of got in the way. It happens. And, then she sent me an e-mail. Not a two line e-mail, but a long, fullsome talkative e-mail that made me miss our friendship. This too, was totally unexpected. But wonderful.

But there's more. So much lately is unexpected. Matthew is changing so much. I never know what he's going to say. Sometimes he says things that make Mike and I laugh. Funny out of the blue stuff like "time for bed I see the moon" or "I'm a machine. I have no nose."
But there's the other unexpected stuff too - the stuff that is super sweet and makes me really smile. Like on Wednesday when I turned on America's Next Top Model, and Matty got excited and decided he was going to snuggle up on the couch and watch it with me while eating popcorn (and wisely said to his dad "Daddy, I love you please get me popcorn"). Or, last night, when we were snuggling and he kept asking if we were friends. And, I kept saying yes, we're friends and then he finally said "that's good, Mommy, because I love you very much."
Unexpected. But so wonderful.

Sometimes life is good. (or, ya know, Wonderful!)

Public Transit

Usually I love taking the train every day.
Okay, more like, I prefer it over driving to work, and it's much nicer than the subway.
The thing with the GO train is this - you need to pick your seat wisely.
I have the luxury in the morning of being at a stop where there are still seats left. And I generally choose which level I am on. I have a regular car and there are a few seats I prefer. But, there is a bit of a science to picking the right seat. And you have roughly 1 second to choose before being pushed by someone wanting to sit as well.
The best seat on the train, in my opinion, is on the aisle (for quick exit) next to a sleeper. Sitting next to a sleeper allows you to read, listen to music or simply stare into space without being interrupted. I am a gregarious person, but I HATE people on the train who talk to me. At 7:25 in the morning, after the whirlwind that is getting me ready, getting matt ready, getting the cat fed and gettin gout the door, I'm ready for some peace and quiet.
So, yesterday I found the perfect spot. I was next to a self contained sleeper. In other words, her head was down, so there was no danger of her drooling on me and/or resting her head on my shoulder. She looked young enough that snoring would not be a concern. I sat, I got comfortable, I pulled out my book. Good start.
Until she lifted her head, and, in a zombie like state proceeded to blow her nose. But, it wasn't a gentle blow. It was a HONK that could truly have rivaled any loud nose blower I've ever met.
I jumped.
As did the people around me.
She simply refolded her kleenex, put her head down, and went back to sleep.
I went back to my book.
Next stop. Everyone got settled in (standing room only, suckers!!!) and again, the sleeping woman lifted her head did a huge honk, and fell back asleep. This time more people jumped. One woman dropped her coffee.
I tried not to giggle.
I knew we had another 2 stops. This was hilarious.
The same thing happened at BOTH stops. By the time I was at the last stop I was almost hysterical. At each new stop she'd suddenly wake up, honk, and go back to sleep. I could NOT stop giggling. I actually was beginning to think that this was Candid Camera or something.
I was so convinced of this that I actually reapplied my lip gloss and made sure not to slouch ... just in case.
Thankfully she stopped honking 5 minutes before we got to union.
So ...
It came as no surprise to me when later on in the day, when I had to take the subway to a doctor's appointment that yet again I was entering the world of the bizarre.
Again, I was seated next to a very normal looking person. Until she turned on her MP3 player ... AND STARTED SINGING ALONG.
She was quite literally the worst singer I may have ever heard. Not only could she not carry a tune, she was singing along to Beyonce (Bootylicious). I tried not to laugh. She then moved on to Pussycat Dolls at which point I did lose it. I had to get up. And move. I didn't want the poor girl to lose the spirit. I mean practice does make perfect.
And finally ...
When I was done at the doctor I went to get my bus. However ...
The bus stop was surrounded by police. There were people being arrested. Their were guns out. Crap. What did I do? I hopped on the next bus. Me AND the perpetrator hopped on the bus. He sat across from me. So ... the cops just stopped the bus and proceeded to get on and arrest the guy sitting across from me.
And then, the cop asked me if I could be a witness (I said no because I hadn't seen it all).
WEIRD.

Weighty Issues

Today I had a doctor's appointment.
Last year, almost a year ago, I went to see my doctor. We had a long discussion about health and weight and depression and anxiety and all of the other fun issues you can discuss with your doctor. I decided to lose weight. By that I mean she encouraged me to make that decision.
But, it was my own.
I've been back in the meantime, but we haven't discussed weight.
The reason I went back today was because I've been running a lot, and I use my inhaler, and I needed a new prescription.
When I told her this, she said "well, then, let's talk weight."
There's nothing that gets me more stressed out than the weight discussion. (Thank goodness she'd already checked my blood pressure). But, there was no going back.
We went through everything I'm doing, she weighed me, we evaluated my diet. I admitted I've been a little less focused about my eating, but explained that I've been exercising a lot so not really gaining because of that.
I finally said "I know - I need to lose 20 lbs. and I should have by now. I'm just frustrated."
She looked me straight in the eye and said "that's not the weight discussion I wanted to have."
What????
Nope.
What she wanted to tell me was that I've lost a lot of weight (about 55 lbs) in a healthy way. And, her recommendation was that I lose 10 lbs more - not 20. And, her reasoning for that is because she said that I'm active and I'm running and that 10 lbs would make a huge difference in my cardiovascular.
In other words, my weight now is healthy. Another 10 pounds would mean that I'm in good shape.
And then, even cooler, she hugged me. And, she said that she's incredibly proud of me for making so many positive changes in my life.
This is a doctor who saw me at my worst. She went through ppd with me and helped pull me out of it.
Okay, so she also said that if I lose another 10 lbs I'll be in optimum shape for having another baby. Yeah. Good to know. Very good to know. But, that is not my immediate (if ever?) goal.
So, yay me!
So, it looks like I'll be dragging my sister to the gym a little more often (Beck, I know you are thrilled about this) and watching what I eat a whole lot more. Because, really, 10 lbs are doable!!

My sister, Becky, and I - way happier than last year.
(I actually let people take my picture at Matt's birthday this year)

In My Defense ...

Whew...
Friday was quite a day. Here. On my blog.
It all started innocently. I met Rebecca Eckler. I thought it was amazing. (I still do) I decided to blog about it.
Part of the evening that I didn't blog about (thank goodness) was the part where I was asked if I would be interested in writing a book review of Wiped! Of course I said yes. But in fairness, I have written book reviews before. (My background pre-baby was journalism).
So ... Here's' where all the meanness came from.
When I was looking online at book reviews I came upon a "satire site" that made fun of Eckler's work. And I have to admit I read a few posts. In one of the posts the writer made fun of me for being a positive commenter on ninepounddictator.
I know I should have ignored it. But, it was not fair to me. Yes, I really like her, and yes I pretty much always comment on her blog. And, yes it is always positive. But that is because she is a good writer. Her blogs, like a lot of her other writing, make me laugh. Nothing makes my day quite like going on to her site and seeing a new post. And I, as a reader, have the right to say that. I never went out of my way to be a "super fan" so when someone made fun of me, and did the unimaginable - spelled my name incorrectly on their blog, on purpose, I felt the need to tell that person off. The only problem is that that person then totally made fun of me.
Okay. It was funny.
If you knew me in person it would be even funnier because I do get a little over excited about life sometimes. I am always at the brink of my emotions, I do get called (gasp) a drama queen occassionally.
But, just to clarify ...
I am a reader who likes Rebecca's work. I will 100% defend my choice to read her work. Just like I will defend my choice to read Ondaatje, Atwood and Kinsella. Yes. They are all different. But, I like them all.
I mean, seriously, Shakespeare was controversial in his time. And, yes, I am comparing her to the Bard. Why not. He makes me laugh. She makes me laugh. There are similarities. (I kindly put a link for those of you who may be here from said "satire" site who may never heard of William Shakespeare.)
I am not Rebecca's publicist. I'm not defending her work. Or her. She has survived her entire life without me defending her. That is not me being critical. It is me being fair. It is her book. She is the one who made the decision to say what she did - and I will wager a guess that she thought long and hard about using the word bitch to describe her daughter, and the context in which she used it. I don't know her - its not my place.
But what I will say is this. I've been called stupid, pitiful and uneducated. I am none of those.
Life is not about everyone agreeing about everything. As I said in the comments before, Rebecca walks a fine line. Some people think that she crosses that line. I don't. You're entitled to you opinion (and to those of you who shared it nicely - thank you)
Yes, her writing did make a huge impact on my life. She was the first author who said it was okay sometimes to be myself first and a mother second.
And, that's a lesson I will always appreciate.

Good Call, Daddio

Matty has this new habit of standing on his chair saying stuff.
If he has a point to prove he gets up on his podium and starts talking. It's hilarious.
"stomping is my favourite" he'll say as he stands on his chair and says what he wants to say.
We never know quite what he'll say. For instance he may stand on his chair to proclaim
"I HATE bathtime." (which he doesn't really)
Or sometimes he'll just say random things. These random things range from telling us which direction the rabbit hole is in (?), asking where his Bobo stick is (again ?)or he will do his favourite thing of all time which is to announce to us "Ladies and Gentlemen, for the first time in Piston Cup History ..."
We don't really know where all of this came from.
And he has learned that if he has really ticked us off or has pushed us right to our limit, all he has to do is jump up on his little chair and say something extra cute and we will likely cave and not give him that promised time out.
It is really hard to put a child in time out when you are doubled over laughing.
It really is hilarious.
So tonight to prove his point Matt started jumping on the chair.
He was making a very bizarre point about how he wanted to eat more pam for dinner. We were not giving this to him, because we had no idea what he wanted.
So he started to jump - ON HIS CHAIR!
So Mike says to him "How high can you jump, Matt?"
Apparently high. So high that the chair went flying as did Matt.
Luckily Mike caught him. I was doubled over laughing.
And then for the next 5 minutes Matt decided to test his jumping ability from chair to daddy, chair to couch, chair and back.
Good call, Daddio. Good call!