It's not quite 5 am right now. I haven't been out of bed long, but I've been awake for hours. I went to bed late, and at 2:30 Chloe woke up crying; her weird croupy breathing scared her. She needed her mama. For hours.
I brought her to bed and we cuddled. For the past 2 hours we were in this weird in between state - she was asleep then awake. She was trying to get comfortable. I'd drift off, but she'd need me again "more water, mama" ... "I'm scared, mama" ... "am I okay, mama?"
"it's okay baby. I'm here. you're okay. it will get better.?
Somewhere stuck between awake and asleep. Comforted and scared. Sick and healthy.
And while she drifted in and out of sleep I realized that's how I feel right now. In between.
Last night I was with friends. People I know care. And felt that. The in between. The place where you're good enough to be there - but not pretty enough to make the cut. Not worth going after. We used to work together. There were jokes cracked about how I am no longer welcome at the work Christmas party.
Growing and scared. Gone but not really. Loved but no liked. Pretty but not beautiful.
I've worked hard this year. I've worked to be the person I want to be. To love me. I've spent so many hours in yoga - looking at my not quite good enough body and sending myself love. Setting an intention to love myself. Value myself. Accept myself.
I spent countless hours - making the choice to run. to do yoga. to be with my kids. to sit with my issues. to be. to breathe. And the whole time I did that my mantra was "you are right where you are supposed to be."
and yet here I am.
it hurts. words. actions. lack thereof. they hurt. it's the in between.
I don't get it. But it's where I'm supposed to be.
Am I alone? maybe. Am I scared? absolutely.