Monday, March 29, 2010

Two Years Old

Princess Chloe is two!
I know, everyone asks where the time went.
Me, not so much. I've enjoyed the last two years. But they've been long. And exhausting.
But, I like 2.
I like that Chloe is finally falling asleep pretty well.
 In the past few months she has graduated to sleeping in her crib - till about 4am.
I also like that she seems completely fearless.
 This may look like just a chair to you, but to Chloe it is a "scary jump" that she decided she'd conquer. And when she conquered it ... she laughed. And wanted to do it again and again.

Her personality. Wow. She's feisty. I like feisty. She will need it with a big brother like Matt.
And she's funny. Nothing cracks her up more than sitting in the car holding a boot in front of her face and "hiding" - a trick her big brother taught her.
And, she's a princess.
Well, let me clarify. She's not your quiet gentle princess type. But, she's loves a fancy dress and shoes. She's more Buffy than Cinderella.
And, speaking of Buffy, Chloe loves her monsters.
At her birthday she was far more excited to help me pop balloons than she was to play with them when they were blown up.
And whenever she heard a balloon pop she'd yell "Monster". (maybe we should re-think letting her watch all the Buffy)
Ahhhh ... Chloe. Coco. Coco Puff. Cookie girl.
I love how much she loves chocolate and candy.
I love that her first word was Matt. Then Chocolate. I love that she's growing up to be a girl who can kick some ass, but who can turn around and disarm you with a smile.
Life with Chloe will always be crazy. And fun. And exhausting.
I wouldn't wish it any other way for the baby girl who I desperately wanted and whom I love with all my heart.
Happy Birthday, Big Girl!

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Today is my daughter's 2nd birthday.
I know I will follow up soon with a post of her happy and smiling, with Dora everything in the background.
But right now ... not so much.
Sometimes the guilt of everything eats away at me.
For some reason birthdays are hard for me. Birthdays, when you're a working mom, they kind of suck.
I don't regret that I work. I enjoy it.
But ... and here's a big but... somedays I feel incredibly guilty.
In 2 hours we're celebrating Chloe's birthday with my family. And, I'm so behind. My plans of making a fun family dinner have evolved into a pizza party.
I wrapped her presents today, and bought one of the presents yesterday. The decorations are hung, and are kind of pathetic.
And my heart isn't in it.
I just feel like I'm not quite good enough at this stuff. I do everything last minute. I'm not the mom who thinks for months about the perfect cake. Or a great party. I tried. I really did. And the cake is fine. I had her and Matt and my nieces help me. And I know she won't remember that I didn't get a Dora cake pan. Or learn how to use the special cake decorating method to do the cake.
But I will.
And, in 2 weeks it's Matt's birthday party. And I haven't really done much for that either. I haven't thought about about loot bags. I only have a couple of rsvp's. And the cake will be simple. My biggest decision was whether the cake should be vanilla or chocolate. It's great that it was that easy.
But maybe that's the problem. It was too easy.
And I guess I just don't feel good enough these days.
It's tough to divide my time.
And it's hard to come home when I'm exhausted and throw myself into playing with my kids, reading bedtime stories and enjoy singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star 57 times until Chloe finally falls asleep.
Honestly, I don't think being a stay at home mom would be better.
I watch my sister. I watch my friends who stay home. And I don't want that for me. They are the super moms that I wish I could be and I know I wouldn't be. And I don't think it would benefit my kids.
At least when I'm at work people cannot guage whether I'm a good mom or not.
I like to think I'm a fun mom. But, lately ... it's hard.
I feel like the fun stuff is all pretend lately.
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who is expecting. And we were kind of talking about the good and the bad. And there is so much good. So much. But then there is the bad. The guilt. The questioning of whether I'm good enough, if I'm doing the right stuff for my children. If they are happy enough.
I know they are happy.
But right now ... I'm not so sure I am.
So I guess we just keep going. get through this. Suck it up and know that really this is all part of being a mom. But, somedays. Like today. I wish I was better. At all of it.
Who knows.
Maybe one day I will be.