Saturday, November 25, 2006


I've finally done it!
The scale has nudged down below the 30 pound mark.
Today, my weigh-in day I discovered I lost 2 lbs this week.
So 31 pounds it is!
I have a way to go still.
But the numbers are getting less scary.
And I'm liking myself more and more.
Gold star for me today!

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Stuff I don't Blog About

So tonight I went out to dinner with two of my BFAW's. The third is on some all-inclusive trip in some tropical destination. We didn't feel too badly!
Anyway, as the evening progressed we got on to the topic of children, in particular child birth and babies. Two of us have kids and one didn't. For some reason the question of "was it really that hard" open the floodgates to conversation about giving birth and the first while of Matt's life.
I realized that this is something I rarely talk about.
When I first had Matt it was all I could discuss because I was hanging on by a thread, and I really felt like I needed to sort it out. I needed people to hear about how crappy Matt's birth was. A huge part of me thinks that I really just wanted to justify to everyone what was going on, why I was so unhappy, why I hated life, why I wasn't the happy loving mother that I had planned to be.
But as time has passed, as my very difficult screaming baby has turned into this amazing child who I love desperately I never ever talk about that stuff.
I guess because I feel guilty. I feel horrible that when Matt was a teeny tiny baby I didn't have this overwhelming love that I have for him now. And I try to not think about all of that. I talk about the present. I talk about what he's doing now - talking in sentences, counting, telling me he loves me. Because when I think about how I felt, how scared I was, how horrible it felt to be unhappy and even angry I feel awful. And I haven't quite resolved that.
It feels like this week has been all about babies. A friend of mine is about to give birth, and as we sat chatting I felt sad for her. She's scared. It's not her first. And she knows what to expect. I wanted to be happy for her and tell her how wonderful this would be, but I knew what she was saying - and she knows it will be rough. Especially with 2 other kids who are running around.
And then later on in the week I was speaking with someone else about kids, about the unexpected and what to do if babies come when they aren't planned. I sometimes feel completely unequipped to talk about it.
Call my sister, I want to say. She handled it. She was the maternal one. She's the one who had a baby in an hour. She's the one who stays at home and enjoys it and does cool crafts. Don't ask me. I'm way happier than I was, but I sware most days it's still a thin line between me and insanity. I'm the mom at the daycare who forgets diapers and cries when teachers tell me how to discipline my child.
Why do you ask me? Why does anyone turn to me for advice about kids, to ask questions, to seek an opinion.
Don't get me wrong. I find it flattering. It means that outwardly I'm holding it together. And I guess in all honestly inwardly I am too. Sure I go to bed early and sometimes lose my temper. But at the end of the day, we're getting through it - me, Matty and Mike. Day by day we are happy.
But still, it's just so bizarre when I talk about it, when people ask me questions about being a mother, about parenting and about babies. My advice is always the same - don't overthink it. It sucks at first, but it gets better, and the love, the pure honest love of a child - it's worth it completely.
And, maybe, one of these days I'll blog about my early days, the early months, of being a mom. But right now - I'm just not ready.

We're having too much fun too talk about unhappy times!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Things I'll Miss

One week from today we'll be in our new HOUSE!! I can't wait. I spoke to our lawyer today. Everything is in order (except our packing). And in all the excitement of what I'm looking forward to what we'll get there are some things I will miss.

1) My neighbours - no. Not the noisy guy next door. I'll miss Ginny and James and their kids. It will suck not bumping into them in the elevator or running over when Matt wants to see Mackie or going down to the reading room. We all know Ginny was my new mom sanity. That's changed and we don't see each other as much. But, I'll still miss them a lot.
2) The view - I like looking outside and seeing the lights and the cars and the firetrucks.
3) The Firetrucks - okay, so when we have multiple fire alarms it sucks (especially at 2am). But Matt like the excitement of the firemen coming to visit. And, I don't think that firetrucks arriving with sirens blaring at your home is a good thing. Really.
4) The walk to the daycare - I actually like the short walk from the daycare to the subway. I love the time Matty and I spend on our little walks. We chat about the day. We look at the trucks, we sometimes visit the stores. It's our special thing. That I'll miss. I know we'll have a new special thing
5) Rides on the McDonald's Bus - about once a week I announce that we are taking the McDonald's bus. Matthew gets so excited. I love that. I love how well he behaves on the McDonald's Bus and the smiles I get and how he announces to everyone that we're on the McDonald's bus.
6) The TTC - okay. Not on a regular basis. But sometimes. The good days when we have fun on the subway (i.e. when I leave work early and the bus is empty). Matt loves the subway, and I'm sort of sad he won't go on it so much. But, I'm not going to miss it on a regular basis.
7) Yonge Street - there's no street like Yonge Street in suburbia. I like walking down the street with Matt - and just looking. And then stopping at Starbucks where Matt knows exactly what to order. My kid is so city sometimes.
8) 24 hour everything (except the 'convenience' store in our building) - what will we do if we need milk at midnight? I don't know. Really. I don't know. We'll have to make do.
9)Saying I live in Toronto - I'm beginning to fear that "moving to the suburbs" means that I am old. Does it? Please say I haven't reached middle age. I'm not even 30.
10) Mongolian Grill - we have never actually eaten there. But we've always planned to. And I like to hear Matt attempt to say 'Mongolian Grill'. We hear it's very good. We have one week and limited funds in which to go there.

That's it. That's all I can think of. Mostly I'll just miss Ginny down the hall. But thinking about makes me cry, and that's silly.

Moving on. T-6 days. Stress. Anyone have extra boxes?

This week is kicking my butt ...

Rarely does a week kick me in the butt like this one has.
It's Thursday and I'm exhausted.
Let's see. Well first of all on Sunday I broke my tooth (one that I've already had a root canal on) so on Monday I had to find a new dentist, which I did. Then I went to see him, and I'm not a good dental patient, and he informed me that to fix it I would need 2 separate appointments and a couple thousand dollars. GREAT!
I left with a prescription for Adovan (valium) for when I return, and a promise that they would let me know the insurance quote. For now I have a hole in my mouth the size of a baby tooth. And it hurts.
But whatever. Got through that.
Then the next day I woke up not feeling myself. You know, under the weather, but managing. So I went to work. Midway through the day - in my boss's office - I suddenly realized that I really was not okay. Luckily I made it to the bathroom. Where I puked everywhere. It was probably my most embarrassing moment EVER, or at least at work. I stumbled out of the bathroom, begged the receptionist to call my friend, who located both a spare shirt and my boss who promptly sent me home in a taxi.
By yesterday I was done. Not only was everyone staying a good distance away from me (food poisoning people - I'm not contagious), but I was swamped with work. The phone kept ringing, I kept messing things up. There was nothing seriously bad abotu the day - but I just felt totally behind. I made it through the day - and we got to McDonald's where, my son got picked on by a 4 year old, and I almost lost it with his mother. Thank GOD we are moving. I don't think I can go back to that McDonald's. Echoes of "parents who don't chaperone their kids should not be allowed in the Play Place" followed me out of the building. It was awful. Matt left hysterical and Mike rolled his eyes.
And, now, I realize it's only Thursday. I hope to make it through today unscathed - no dental surgery, no vomit, and no fights with other parents.