I haven't posted in awhile. I think maybe since summer. it's not that I don't have anything to say. quite the opposite. The thing is, when I started this blog i had aspirations of being a writer, and felt like no one wanted to read what I had to say. And then my job changed and bit by bit I've been writing more and more.
Sometimes to the point where I can't put a sentence together.
And I'm not complaining. I love it. But, this space has been quiet. I know. It's a combo of having a lot to write, and also something more. It's this thing called parenting. And trying to balance what you say about your kids and not say, etc. I don't care if I have 5 readers or 500, the truth is I think about my words and how they affect my kids.
But then today ....
Today was my daughter's first karate class. She will be 3 next month, and she needs something. And karate seemed right up her alley. She's a princess, but she's feisty. And she needs to channel her energy.
This is the same karate dojo where I brought Matt. We had a love-hate relationship. He wanted to do karate. i wanted him to do karate. but it just didn't quite work. Nothing is the right fit for anyone. And he was struggling with behaviour. I pulled him because I didn't see eye to eye with the Sensei. He wanted to "train" Matt. Not a bad call. But, I wasn't ready for the tough firm correction. Matt was 4.
And over the past 2 years things in Matt's world have improved.
Yes he's on meds for ADHD. but he's matured. I've matured. we've learned to talk about issues and to manage anger and frustration. I've watched my child grow into a kid who can focus just fine when he likes what he is focused on.
And i realized the other day that I'm doing just fine as a mom. My kids are sweet and respectful though energetic. They eat their vegetables. They dress themselves. They make me laugh.
And I realized I was ready to go back to that dojo and try again.
it's funny going back with a totally different child. With the child who runs out to say "I'm having fun" and charms the pants off everyone and instead of having a meltdown flashes her signature smile and makes everyone laugh.
Not better. Different.
i'm not sure how to explain this any other way, other than to say that it made me so proud to be the mom to both of my kids. I was sitting in the totally familiar place, calmly waiting for my daughter to finish, and all I could think about was how worth it all of these struggles with Matt have been and will be.
The truth is, sometimes you have to see how far you've come to appreciate where you're going.
I know I'm not in for an easy ride. but after a day like today I can't wait to see what the future holds.
(oh and maybe i'll start blogging about it)