Thursday, April 19, 2007

Public Transit

Usually I love taking the train every day.
Okay, more like, I prefer it over driving to work, and it's much nicer than the subway.
The thing with the GO train is this - you need to pick your seat wisely.
I have the luxury in the morning of being at a stop where there are still seats left. And I generally choose which level I am on. I have a regular car and there are a few seats I prefer. But, there is a bit of a science to picking the right seat. And you have roughly 1 second to choose before being pushed by someone wanting to sit as well.
The best seat on the train, in my opinion, is on the aisle (for quick exit) next to a sleeper. Sitting next to a sleeper allows you to read, listen to music or simply stare into space without being interrupted. I am a gregarious person, but I HATE people on the train who talk to me. At 7:25 in the morning, after the whirlwind that is getting me ready, getting matt ready, getting the cat fed and gettin gout the door, I'm ready for some peace and quiet.
So, yesterday I found the perfect spot. I was next to a self contained sleeper. In other words, her head was down, so there was no danger of her drooling on me and/or resting her head on my shoulder. She looked young enough that snoring would not be a concern. I sat, I got comfortable, I pulled out my book. Good start.
Until she lifted her head, and, in a zombie like state proceeded to blow her nose. But, it wasn't a gentle blow. It was a HONK that could truly have rivaled any loud nose blower I've ever met.
I jumped.
As did the people around me.
She simply refolded her kleenex, put her head down, and went back to sleep.
I went back to my book.
Next stop. Everyone got settled in (standing room only, suckers!!!) and again, the sleeping woman lifted her head did a huge honk, and fell back asleep. This time more people jumped. One woman dropped her coffee.
I tried not to giggle.
I knew we had another 2 stops. This was hilarious.
The same thing happened at BOTH stops. By the time I was at the last stop I was almost hysterical. At each new stop she'd suddenly wake up, honk, and go back to sleep. I could NOT stop giggling. I actually was beginning to think that this was Candid Camera or something.
I was so convinced of this that I actually reapplied my lip gloss and made sure not to slouch ... just in case.
Thankfully she stopped honking 5 minutes before we got to union.
So ...
It came as no surprise to me when later on in the day, when I had to take the subway to a doctor's appointment that yet again I was entering the world of the bizarre.
Again, I was seated next to a very normal looking person. Until she turned on her MP3 player ... AND STARTED SINGING ALONG.
She was quite literally the worst singer I may have ever heard. Not only could she not carry a tune, she was singing along to Beyonce (Bootylicious). I tried not to laugh. She then moved on to Pussycat Dolls at which point I did lose it. I had to get up. And move. I didn't want the poor girl to lose the spirit. I mean practice does make perfect.
And finally ...
When I was done at the doctor I went to get my bus. However ...
The bus stop was surrounded by police. There were people being arrested. Their were guns out. Crap. What did I do? I hopped on the next bus. Me AND the perpetrator hopped on the bus. He sat across from me. So ... the cops just stopped the bus and proceeded to get on and arrest the guy sitting across from me.
And then, the cop asked me if I could be a witness (I said no because I hadn't seen it all).


Michael said...

Hmm.. Sounds like an exciting day. You know.. With my wife on a bus with a criminal being chased down by police and all. Is it sad when you have to read about this kind of news in your wife's blog, instead of being told first hand!??!?!?!?!?

With Love, Fat Girl said...

Besides the fact that this was a hilarious post, it's nice to know that there are people who understand the science of getting the perfect seat.

I lost it twice on the subway - once at the dude rapping next to me, actually using his hands to spin the imaginary records, and once when Rain Man was on with me, going through the specifics of catching his next train before it "flew away."

(And if you haven't figured out who I am yet, you started reading my blog just today :) Isn't this fun?)

Ginny said...

Oh my goodness I'm laughing at this one Laural! The funniest things only happen to you!!
I can't stand it when people sing out loud. Seriously. Do they really think people want to hear it? Because we don't, honestly no matter how good you are if you are working out (like dude in my building) or on the bus, DO NOT SING OUT LOUD.
That is my public service announcement for the day, as you were!!

Anonymous said...

...funny,very.funny :)

what would have been hilarious was if your giggles had turned to snorts when she honked LOL.

betcha you were close to that - huh!!!

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Wow, you live on the edge, girlfriend ;)

Amy said...

See, this is why I still work in the 'burbs LOL

That's just too funny, I never would have made it past 2 stops.

The Girl Who Loves to Knit said...

This is in addition to the sleeping "tock" story I emailed you about - every time I travel on the subway with my mom we run into creepos. One was a bad story I refuse to bring up, but this other one was really funny.
We were sitting across from this woman eating doritos. And you know how subway chairs enable discussion since people are staring at your ears. Anyway - Dorito lady heard me talking to Mom about the Ballet. And so she - probably being VERY educated (I'm serious about that) was talking about all of these choreographers, and musicians. But she was talking with her mouth full, and SPRAYING chewed dorito debris everywhere. OH it was sick!
I felt the need to take the shower. I prefer the biking method. Hallelujah for bikes! No talking, total control!(relatively)

SpeakEasy said...


How exciting. I subway every day to and from the office and I get no excitment or adventure like this. I must be at the wrong stops. Maybe Monday I'll ride the subway from the top to the bottom, then back again.

I wouldn't have been able to hold in my giggles.

kate said...

We all certainly know why you call it the misadventures of mommy!! Too funny.... LOL

Ruthie said...

That's awesome. Start bringing a little camera with you everywhere you go.

I remember getting on the subway once during Mardi Gras when I was a little kid, and standing between two enormous, elaborately made-up drag queens. I think I thought I was at the circus.