Training ... It's all I'm thinking about

So I made it through my 10k, and the next day I went and signed up for a 10k clinic at the Running Room. Why? I really want to do a half marathon. A very specific half marathon. More on that later. I decided that if I wanted to train properly I needed to take a step back and actually get some guidance on how to run. Yes. It’s awesome that I did a 10k. But, it was also really hard. And I felt like if I had better form, better pace and better breathing it would have been easier.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled with the result. I’m thrilled I did it. I just really realized I needed some help. It’s kind of like when I bought the Jillian Michael’s yoga video and thought I was rocking it, and then I went to a yoga class, and well … Most of the stuff I was doing wasn’t exactly right. (or was completely wrong). Side note – I went back and did this video recently and it is soooo much easier when a) I’ve been doing regular yoga and b) I know what she’s talking about.

Anyway. I’m getting excited about the group clinic.

Part of all this running is the training aspect. I’m trying not to think too far ahead. I mean, in 6 months I should be ready to run 13.1 miles. Or roughly 21km. And that’s almost 3 hours of running. OMG! So sometimes I’ll be doing something, like say running in the morning, and the idea of that much running starts to stress me out.

So … Train it is.  And these training schedules are a bit crazy. My morning runs (before work) won’t increase too much. I’ll go from about 4-5 km a morning to about 5-6 km a morning. That’s 2-3 times per week. The hard part comes on weekends (Sundays) when we do long runs. Long runs are long. Like building up to 14 miles. I don’t even know what that is in km. Again. OMG! Lots of people do cross training to stay in shape. I’m sticking with hot yoga. I’m already doing it about 5-6 times a week and managing my short runs (that don’t seem short, FYI). I think and hope that’s enough.

Next part? Nutrition. So, I stopped eating meat about 3 weeks ago. I’m fine with the diet, but it’s hard to plan meals. I have no idea if I’m following the right eating plan. I guess I will find out.

All in all.  I’m excited and scared. Some days I’m more excited. Some days more scared. But, what I know is that I am enjoying this sense of balance and control lately. I like having workouts scheduled. I love having something to work towards. I like the sense of community. I love that this all justifies more lululemon purchases (kinda kidding, but not really).

Quarter Marathon! Check One off the Bucket List

This weekend I ran in The Durham Quarter Marathon. That's right, 10.54 km!
The race was on Saturday. I signed up on Tuesday. Crazy, right? I'd been thinking about trying a 10k for awhile. I was pretty sure I had trained enough and that physically I was capable of it. I was completely lacking in the believing in myself category though. Here's the breakdown of race day!

(at the starting line!)

4:20 am - my alarm went off. This is when I normally wake up to run, so I was ready. I had a shower, and I'd read to eat a bagel and cream cheese. Awesome. I love bagels. I avoid them usually (carbs, white flour) - so this was a yummy treat!

5:20 am - I was more than ready. I put all the race stuff, plus snacks for the family in the car. I woke up Mike and the kids and we brought them to the car. It did not take them too long to wake up and get excited for the road trip ahead. They didn't know what we were doing because I really didn't tell many people - and my kids tend to overshare!

5:30-5:55 - The hunt for an open Starbucks!!! We finally gave up, grabbed coffee at Timmies and we were finally on the road to Oshawa (a good hour away).

7:00 am. - We arrived just as they were setting up. I had no idea how busy the race would be. It turned out it was pretty quiet. So we parked, got the race kit, and then took the kids to Tim Hortons to kill some time. I ordered 2 chocolate timbits for myself. My nerves were kicking in as I didn't even make it through one!!! We then just killed time for the next hour or so, stretching, playing with the kids, enjoying the entertainment and making our way to the starting line. Closer to the start they announced the pace bunnies, so I walked over and introduced myself to my pace bunny, Steve. I told him it was my first 10k (well 10.54) and I wanted to cross the finish line by 1:20. He was a 1:10 pace bunny (the slowest!) and he said stick with him, and if I needed to slow down I could. I never run with people, but this was pretty cool.

8:30 am - we were off. This was the first race I've ever done where I've started slow. I really wanted to hang out with the pace bunny, and he started, you guessed it, ON PACE! I will always do this from now on. I enjoyed the start.

1km - This was a cool first km. I usually stress the first kilometre. When i run in the mornings it always takes me awhile to find my pace and breathe and sort of shake things out a bit. I felt strong from the first step. When my nike+ app told me I'd hit my first km I was shocked.

2-4 km - This was remarkably easy. The pace was slower than normal and I was totally enjoying the scenery. I was listening to my music, but every so often Steve (pace bunny) would check in. I'd get a thumbs up or a smile. I loved this aspect. At one point he told me to swing my arms more and watch my breathing. (on the hill). I liked the encouragement without constant chatter. I think he would have talked the whole time if I wanted.

(that's me in the pink waving - right next to me is Steve the pace bunny!)

5km - I'll admit when I hit 5km I felt amazing. Normally I'd be exhaustend but I wasn't. Maybe this was a combo of adrenaline and training and you know the whole pacing myself thing. This is the moment in the race where I got a bit emotional. I pulled a bit ahead of Steve and picked up my pace a bit. I wasn't really trying to change my time, I just wanted to be in my own space. I realized that this was the halfway point and I was doing okay. I didn't really expect the sudden wave of emotion. I probably should have stayed on pace, but I don't regret having that moment of running alone and totally feeling it all.

6-8km - Of course there were hills. I need to train on hills. This was just a challenge. I couldn't find a rhythm. I'd lost Steve (gah!) and I freaked out a bit. These 2 km I kept telling myself "just keep going." Right around 8k there was a street closed and a police officer standing there keeping cars away. I started to walk and she yelled "keep running. just keep going." I wasn't expecting that. It made me laugh. I kept running.

8km - I'd never run this far. This was when it got hard. I slowed down. I wanted to quit. The thing is,  I wasn't tired or sore. I just hit a mental block. Luckily at this point Steve caught up to me. I was close to tears, and because we were by the lake and i'd slowed down so much I was shivery and cold. It was so nice to just run with someone. I yelled "this is soooo hard." He said "It's supposed to be. You're fine. Stick with me." There were all sorts of signs at this point. Funny ones. I just kept going. When I stopped he'd say "keep running."

9km - Seriously? Another km to go??? I think I was a bit walk run walk run. But I kept going. At 9.5 Steve said "you have 6.38 minutes to go. You can do it." I took off. I wanted to be done. That last km was tough because most of it was up hill. Everyone started to walk. BRUTAL. Finally it got flat. I ran. Finally I saw Mike and the kids at the end. They were cheering. I just kept going. The finish like was sooooo close.

10km. - WHAT????  My Nike+ app alerted me to the fact I hit 10km and I was impressed. I was also on a hill. Another half a kilometre did not sound like a good idea. I really wanted to quit. I was determined to find some sort of hidden energy reserve. (at this point I actually thought of one of my yoga teachers who always says "find that extra bit of energy" and I was seriously searching!). We were still going uphill. I wanted to die. And then I saw flags in the distance. And I took off. There was that little energy. Yay! I saw Mike and the kids and I slowed down enough to wave. Ha ha. Not really. That was me speeding up. Whatever. I ran past them to the finish.

10.54 km - I finished. My time: 1:11:09. I wanted to do this is in an hour and 20 minutes. Shaving 9 minutes off that rocked my world!

(almost at the finish line. Those are the flags.)

So, I was glad that was over. I finished and then turned around and found Steve and gave him a big sweaty hug because I really thought at 8 km that I may just sit in the grass for awhile. I don't think he was expecting it. And it cracked everyone up. A woman said "usually you don't hug the pace bunny." Well, you know. Learn something new every race!

Recovery after was pretty good. Immediately after I was super thirsty and kind of just wanted to get away from everything. I was kind of stunned, and really just wanted to sit down and not do any of the after race stuff. I felt a bit gross, but I think I was also a bit dehydrated. Once I had lots of water and juice and walked I was fine. I went to a baby shower after and it was great. And then the next day I got up and felt great enough to do a yoga class. I was a little sore, but I felt way better after yoga - I think because I needed a really good stretch.

So ...

Here's what I learned.
1) I like running with a group. I've done enough running now that I felt pretty comfortable with letting someone pick a pace. I liked not being alone. (but I like running alone too).
2) Pace. Pace. Pace. Pace. I don't pace anything in my life. I should probably try to start with running.
3) If I want to keep doing this I should probably join a clinic. I've avoided this mostly because I've been kind of self conscious. I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up. I think I proved I can. Actually - after I drafted this I went to the Running Room and signed up for a 10 k clinic and then I will do the half.
4) I really really really want to run a half. This was amazing. I want to keep going.

Spontaneous

This summer has been all about spontaneity.
Something that has always been true about me is that I'm happiest when I don't over-plan or over-think ideas. It's not that thinking things through is a bad idea, but I tend to pysch myself out, or come up with a million reasons why it's a bad idea. Also ... I set out expectations for myself.
So this summer we made a decision not to overbook ourselves. Of course there are some things we need to plan. Family events happen. Birthdays, anniversays, births, family get-togethers. That seems to be a big part of the summer every year. This summer it's been a little bit different.
If there's a summer festival in the area we go - but we don't overplan it. We get there when we get there. We see what we want to see. We leave when the kids whine. It's pretty easy. It's what summer should be instead of what it's expected to be. And so far it's been great. We've seen awesome concerts. We've eaten cotton candy. We've gone on silly rides. We've ordered giant ice cream cones - and not panicked when the ice cream melted all over our hands.
We've also been a lot happier.
This didn't just happen though.
Earlier this year I had a long conversation with Mike about stress. We realized that every weekend and holiday our family was having huge arguments. Doors were slamming. People were screaming. I was leaving in tears. It was not pretty. So we decided to change that. I decided to change that. And by that I mean me. And so I stopped with this whole plan the weekend, clean the house, be a perfect parent thing that wasn't actually happening anyway.
We've accepted a few things.
1) Our house will never achieve the perfect level of clean. We mop. We do dishes. We try to tidy. But, we will always be a little cluttered. My treadmill is in the living room because it is used (less so in the summer but it still reminds me to run). I won't feel guilty about that
2) Who cares if everything isn't done. We may not squeeze grocery shopping in on the weekend. We may go to the farmer's market and get only fruit and veggies and need to pick other stuff up during the week. It's not worth a fight. If you have the choice to make strawberry jam over spending an hour at a grocery store - pick strawberry jam. Or a concert in the park. Or hanging out with a friend and a glass of wine. Or running in the sprinkler.
3) Walk away from a fight. If I'm being a b*tch I leave. If there's a yoga class I go. If not I run. If I'm tired I call a friend for coffee. Or go for coffee with a book. Or all of the above. (and yes, my baristas know me pretty well) Usually what we're fighting about is inconsequential. And we're tired or grouchy. Trust me - just try focusing on the thing you're stressed about when you're trying to beat your best mile or hold a plank or when you're giggling about someone from highschool. It's pretty hard. And starts to seem irrelevant. And sometimes when you take a break it's pretty clear that what you're upset about isn't the fact you ran out of bread, but that it's been a crappy week.
4) PICK FUN. Back to spontanaity. Just go. Go for it. Maybe it will be worth it. Maybe it will be kind of a waste of time. But, I'm starting to believe that getting out of the house and trying something new isn't going to be a waste of time regardless of whether the activity you try out is that great. I got tired of saying I couldn't run 5km before work so I did it. I didn't want to go through a summer and wished we had gone to a music festival. So we went. I got tired of saying no to the drive to my in-laws, so I booked it and we had soooo much fun.

The more we do. The more I look forward to. I'm starting to set some amazing goals for myself. I'm feeling so excited about life. And about my family. And I'm seeing a huge change in all of us. My kids are happier. They are kinder. They are fighting less. We're not dreading weekends. We're embracing them.

I have some big plans for this weekend. Too big to share right now. (I don't want to jinx myself).

What I'm sure of??? Life is good. Summer is good. Go have fun!

Happy

I've been thinking a lot about being happy.
More accurately, I've been spending a lot of time being happy, and I've been spending a little bit of time thinking about why I'm happy.
I'm a summer person, so I know for 100% sure that this beautiful warm weather has been helping. Last year I made the decision to get outside when I can - and enjoy the sun and the warmth. This year is no different. If it's nice out I'm outside - that may mean sipping an iced beverage, chasing the kids or playing in the sprinkler. But, it's more than that.
I was just so tired of feeling crappy about stuff. It seems like no matter who I talk to, people have had bad stuff happen this year from pets dying to job losses to illnesses, and everything in between. And sometimes I feel like it's a slap in the face to be happy when people are struggling.
Except I've had my own stuff to deal with this year. And I'm realizing that as much as in the moment you don't want to be smiling and laughing, it's okay to choose to be happy when you can. Even in the middle of the crappy stuff.
So I've focused on finding the happy.
I think it also helps that I've been making some really good decisions health wise.
I've pretty much maintained my weightloss, and I'm making a conscious decision to eat healthy foods as much as possible. Organic produce, quinoa, etc are playing a larger role in my life. I've cut way back on eating meat, and when I eat meat it's in smaller quantities. I'm taking my daily vitamins daily - and I sware I notice it when I skip them.. That's such a weird thing to say.
I'm also working out a lot.
My weekdays tend to start bright and early at about 4:30 when I lace up my running shoes and hit the road for a run. Most of my weeknights end with a hot yoga class, and I'm home by 10. I often hear people call this ambitious or crazy. Part of me agrees, but we're talking about me here. If I didn't want to do it, I'd make up an excuse to skip it. And some days I do.
But, here's why I'm happy.
It can stink to wake up and know you're facing a stressful day. It's hard to hear your alarm clock and know you have to get up, have coffee, watch the news, read your email and then face the day.
How much better is it to know you're waking up, you're doing something purely for you, listening to awesome music (and singing along) and knowing that no matter what hits you after your run, you've done something for you that no one can take away.
AMAZING.
Same goes for yoga.
It's not about the postures I can do (or can't do) or some imaginary check mark for attending a class. And let me tell you - as awesome as yoga is, it's also really humbling. It's the point that no matter what has gone on in my day I can go in there and let it all go. I love that. And I come home happier. And I sleep.
The other day, one of my teachers said (and I wish I had the direct quote) to stop waiting for happiness to come or looking back on a time that you were happy. Instead find happiness in the moment.
It's not easy, always. But, sometimes it's incredibly easy and you don't see it staring you in the face. Sure it comes in different forms. It can be my kids laughing, a chocolate cupcake (yesterday), a great run, a quiet afternoon, an amazing song on the radio, a good hair day, or even just a short line up at Starbucks.
Be Happy.

Chloe Rocks Out!

I'm not sure it's possible that anyone doesn't know the song "Call Me Maybe" because it is everywhere this summer! And by everywhere I mean being sung obsessively by my daughter and I ... in the car, in the house, in the sprinkler, on my runs. I love it!
And, when we heard the girl who sings it, Carly Rae Jepson, was going to be doing a free concert in our hometown, we were not going to miss it.

So, Chloe and I rocked out. And I made a very short video. Please ignore my voice, and focus solely on the adorableness of Miss Coco!
I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've posted video on here. I hope it works!

We also saw the amazing Walk Off The Earth! But, that's another story for another time.

Getting Gourmet ... Vegan Lasagna

I know ... vegan lasagna. What????

Since when did Miss Make-a-Pilgrimage-to-a-Butcher-Shop  become vegan? I didn't. Exactly. But I've been really really trying to eat less meat. So, when my in-laws and my parents came over for dinner one evening, I decided to make a meat lasagna and a vegan lasagna.
The end result?  The meat eaters tried both and though they preferred the meat, the vegan was a hit and they would have it again. The vegan (my mom) LOVED the vegan lasagna. I sent her home with the leftovers, and we're going to be having an evening where we make a few to freeze.

My verdict? Loved it. I didn't feel the need for meat. And it didn't feel heavy like normal lasagna. Definite keep. I didn't exactly follow a recipe. I just kept looking up various recipes and took what I could deal with and what seemed reasonable. So ... enjoy

Here's my mash-up recipe for:

vegan lasagna

Ingredients

• Rice Noodles - lasagna noodles (the no bake kind). just look in the organic section 
• Tomato Sauce - Whatever you have on hand. (vegan obviously)
• Vegan cheese - Shredded "mozarella" vegan cheese. I just bought the kind that said it melted
• Container of organic baby spinach
• Vegetable filling
• Olive oil
• lots of garlic
• lots of basil
• 1 big white cooking onion chopped up
• 2 zucchinis chopped up
• 1 container of mushrooms (pre-chopped if you are lazy)
•  2 cups(ish) cooked broccoli
• Base Mixture for the lasagna (so the noodles cook)
• One can of chopped canned tomatoes
• half a bottle of pesto (or however much you want)
• some garlic
• Vegan Ricotta Cheese
• 3/4 lb tofu
•  more basil, pesto and garlic

 How to make it

 1) Chop up the veggies for the veggie mix. Basically, you kind of just want there to be lots of veggies, but you want them all nice and soft.

So I really just cooked it all until it was really cooked. I heated the broccoli separately and threw it in after (I ran out out room in the pan), I also maybe had some red peppers in there. The point is I just made lots of veggies. If you don't like something, skip it. I also added lots of garlic and basil because it's lasagna (yum) and lasagna needs garlic and basil.

2) While all that was going on I made the base tomato pesto mixture.

Although when I think about it, it is possible that i just used basil not pesto. And definitely garlic. This just goes on the bottom to make the noodles cook. I also think it makes the house smell good while you are cutting up all your vegetables and acts as inspiration to keep on chopping. (really). It doesn't need to get too hot. I just cooked it so that it all mixed together.

3) The tofu part. Okay - so the goal here is to hide the tofu. So, easy peasy. First I ground it in a mini food processor. So it was ricotta like. (it would probably be better in a big one, but that's way up on a shelf i can't reach) Then it just seemed weird to throw it in and I got thinking it required more flavour (I read tofu takes on flavour) so I just fried it up (minus oil) with, you guessed it, more garlic and basil. I didn't taste test it. It looked gross. I just hoped for the best. At this point when it looks a bit gross, you can't quit or you'd be very wasteful. Also - at this point remember you're feeding vegans who have a different criteria for what they eat. My friend eats raw tofu. Keep that in mind.It will all be okay.

4) Putting it all together. - this is is lasagna. It's layers. So. I put my base as the base. I layered on some noodles. Then I kind of forget the order i threw everything on. I just put it on. I think I used some canned tomato sauce because the package said make sure it is moist so the noodles cook. IMPORTANT - I layered spinach in there. Lots of it. I did this kind of like noodles then spinach. I didn't cook the spinach. Then the fake cheese. (sorry if this offends people. it was good - but it's not real cheese. i also call processed american cheese slices fake cheese)  I didn't use much. I figured if it was gross it could make the whole thing gross. It was good though. Then at the top I put a light layer of it on. Definitely not heavy handed like you'd put on mozzarella. A little goes a long way.

5) cooking it. I went with 400 degrees for an hour. But I did this around 11 pm and fell asleep and left my husband watching. I have no idea if he added extra time. He may have. Or he may have turned it down because he likes to do things like this. So the point is - keep an eye on it and don't really trust my time and temp. Also, this is a guide because my oven is 30 years old and runs super hot, so we are always guessing anyway. But i also broiled it when I reheated it cuz the "cheese" looked a bit odd. (fake cheese does not cook the same. this goes also for processed cheese and cheese whiz. aside - if you're not vegan, try broiling cheese whiz. It's odd - delicious - yet odd) Broiling made it look good.

Okay - that's it.

Yum yum.

Time

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it seems to go so slowly. Sometimes you have no idea how it went so quickly. This year I’ve gone back and forth. In some cases this year has dragged on.  And suddenly it’s June. Matt is finishing grade 2! Chloe is planning for junior kindergarten. (and by planning I mean trying on new outfits nightly)

And … the crazy thing?

Both kids just finished up a year of dance/drama.

Matt was in 101 Dalmations – he played Patch. It was a cute performance, and I have to tell you. Matt was not exactly the star of the show and centre stage. But his smile? His pride? The knowledge that he completed a year of drama and went on stage and knew all the lines in the songs?  He was thrilled. I was thrilled.

We have tried so many things with Matt. Different sports, dance, etc, and we have never made it through the year. This? Huge. And to me it shows one huge thing. If you believe in kids and meet them where they are at, they excel. 

And then there’s Chloe. She did a year of baby ballet. She loved it. LOVED it! Her whole group was unbelievably adorable, and they just all did so well.

Chloe’s comment to me after: The only thing that would make ballet class better every week is if we always had people cheering for us.

I think I see many dance classes in our future!

Happy June everyone.

Peace ... in pictures

Life is busy.
Everyone's is. I know. Add in an unexpected change in plans recently, two birthdays (my kids are now 4 and 8), Easter, one birthday party complete and one to go ... and some things have been missed. Like posting.
One thing I'm trying to take the time for is enjoying my kids.

I rush them places on weekends. But, I sometimes forget to just relax and enjoy their presence. What I'm learning from them is that sometimes the best moments just happen. You can plan all the amazing stuff in the world, but give them sunshine and a trip to the playground, and you see true joy. Of course nothing makes me happier than when they decide to go for a walk/bike ride to starbucks! 
Chloe, of course, finds inner peace doing tree pose at Starbucks. Yes. I know. Mini-me. (we're currently looking for a yoga class for 4 year olds. If  you know of any  ...)

Kindergarten?

Today we registered Chloe for junior kindergarten.

Really. My baby will turn four next week, and that means that in September she starts school.
Holy.Crap.
I will be honest here. I find kids easier as they get older. I love that they have actual conversations, can at least comprehend the idea of listening to reason.
Recently I've enjoyed seeing the huge differences between my two kids - partially the girl/boy thing and partially just the two totally different people.
But still.
Holy. Crap.
This seems so typical to say, but it seems like last week that I was lying awake at night worrying about going back to work, and leaving my baby with our nanny that I hadn't met yet. Now here we are signing Chloe up for school.
I'm not worried about her going. She's been accompanying Matthew to school for years, and she tends to run past the kindergarten playground yelling "Hi!" to the teachers. They all know her. She runs to the big kids playground where she meets her little group of friends.
Chloe's ready for this. I'm ready for this.
But still.
Holy. Crap.
Chloe's registered for school.

(her cousins helpfully are teaching her how to play nicely.)

Inspired

We can get inspiration from many places. I do. And, some days when I'm feeling crappy - a little inspiration is helpful. That may come from a quote, or a picture or a funny email.
It may come from a really good belly laugh courtesy of office randomness.
It may come from a run. In fact I went for my first outside run of the season last night. It was amazing! (yes, I'm a fair-weather runner).
It can also come from watching someone do something awesome - and having this incredible feeling that you're so proud of them.
I'm not sure if you know my friend Amy (aka NonMom). If you haven't checked out her blog, you should. I've known Amy for almost 7 years. Maybe this says something about how to cultivate friendships. We met volunteering! We had an awesome time.
When I met Amy I was not at my finest. I was in a tough place - I was living with my parents and at the tail end of some post-partum depression - and trying to figure out my career choices. Add in a very busy baby, money stress, and feeling fat ... and I was not too fun.
And then I met Amy. She's awesome online. She's better in person. You don't really have the option of entering a room with her and not being swept up in her excitement for whatever is going on. She very definitely has a professional side don't get me wrong. But Amy, she talks in exclamation points! How she managed to see my crazy fun side the day we met is beyond me. But, man am I ever grateful she did. And that joy - it spreads online.
Her tweets - positive. Her blog - positive. And when she has something negative to say you listen, because it's not mean or bitchy. It's honest and thought out - and not at all mean spirited.
So AMY.
She happened to get me involved in a little project. She has named it #NateLuv. It's all to do with a show called Burn Notice. I'd never heard of it until Amy told me about it. And she has gone so deep into this project it's amazing me.
As a fan of the show she has started helping one of the actors, Seth Petersen, establish a Social Media profile. And you guys, she's ROCKING this project.
The thing is, there's nothing in it for her. She's not doing it for money. She's not doing it for recognition. She's doing it because she thinks he's awesome.
I get it. There are shades of Juliequest in there (yes, we talked about it). And I remember during Juliequest how awesome I felt. I wanted other people to get it. And they did. And, well, this inspires me.
You can read about #Nateluv (Nate is Seth's character) on Amy's blog. And, if you want to follow him on twitter, (@sethpetersonla) or for that matter Amy (@nonmom) go for it. But, more than that. The lesson here for me is this. If you love something, go for it. Be awesome. Who cares if it works or not. Throw your love out - be amazing - and see what happens.
As for Seth? Well, the guy cracks me up on twitter. I'm impressed that someone who is an actor and has agents and has a career and is generally pretty awesome has made a point of thanking Amy publically for all her work.
See - the more awesome you push out the more awesome you get back.

PS. i don't have any pics because I'd have to ask Amy - and she doesn't know I'm writing this.

How Failing a Challenge was my Success

I may have mentioned that I started yoga?
About a month ago the studio where I practice at issued a challenge called the moon challenge. It was pretty simple in theory. Attend 25 classes in 30 days. There's a chance of winning a prize at the end (a one-year membership), but the real idea behind it was to really get into your own practice and commit to it.
I love a challenge. I loved that they had stars for every day you go. I loved the idea of it. I was super into this whole new yoga experience, and the timing could not have been more perfect. In typical Laural fashion I signed up, committed to it and I was ready.
And then.
A physical issue that has been plaguing me for awhile became a little bit more serious. And after several doctors appointments, tests, etc., I found out I needed surgery. And, despite explaining the fact I was in a yoga challenge my doctor felt that pushing back surgery to put stars on a chart ... probably wasn't my best option.
I respect that.
But still.
Do you know what I usually do when I know my plan don't work out? I self destruct.
I can't tell you how many times I've gone on a diet, had a bad week, and promptly gone to a buffet and said "I can't do it anyway, I may as well eat."
Or decided that I can't run a 10k so I'm not doing a 5k.
Or tried to get something I really wanted. And quit completely.
And when I started calculating the days till surgery, and trying to take it easy before, and knowing that I probably would not be at a class for a few days. Well, I felt like a complete failure. I had this challenge. It wasn't about winning. It was about completing and getting into my practice. And being part of something I loved. And not giving up.
Defeated.
And, as much as I was trying to be cool about it and look for the miracles and understand and everything else. I was not happy. And I was afraid that if I didn't do the challenge then I'd give up. And this wasn't something I was willing to give up on.
In fact. I wasn't ready to give up on me. Or give up something that I loved.
So I kept going. When I could. As I could.
At first I tried doing a couple classes a day. I figured if I doubled up then I could hit the number. Except after a couple days of that I realized it wasn't fun. It was hard and exhausting and I was going because I had to. Not because I wanted to.
And then surgery happened. And it was harder than I thought. And recovery wasn't easy. I'm okay. But, for a couple days there, success was keeping my eyes open during a movie. I wasn't even ready to pack my yoga bag. I couldn't go.
So I waited.
And then on Tuesday night I went to the class I love. The live music class. My body was better. But not perfect. And I knew I had to take it easy.
One of the things the teacher said in that class was that her challenge was to listen to our bodies. Take breaks. And stay in a resting pose all night if that is what we needed.
I think I did about half the class. I didn't push any of my poses. I didn't attempt anything I was afraid of. And as people were working hard all around me I just kind of stopped. And let myself be present where I was.
That. That was a million times more challenging than any plank series a teacher can throw at me. (That's not a challenge!).
Just Be.
And tonight I will go back.
And I will continue to go back.
In a sense I failed the challenge. And I'm sad about that. I wanted to get all those stars. But, in my own way I succeeded. Because I know that for me the challenge was accepting my limits, being okay with them, giving myself a break. And pushing forward.
Bring on the next challenge. I'm ready - for whatever lessons it may bring with it.

 Gold Star for me, anyway!