Avoiding Collision

I've had my license now for a little over 10 years. Getting my license was not an easy task for me. I went through 4 driving instructors and 5 failed tests before I passed. There were certainly drawbacks to this, but one of the distinct advantages was that I did a lot of driver training, and learned a lot of practical knowledge.
One thing that came up often was what to do to avoid a collision. Specifically, look where you want to go, not at the thing you are trying to avoid. That advice has worked well as I'm happy to say I've never really been in an accident (I have tapped my bumper on a parked car and dented my door on a cement post. Both times ... looking at what I was about to hit).
This lesson was a reality this week when I slid through the train parking lot this week, narrowly avoiding another driver, and somehow managing to cleanly park between two cars safely, though shaken.
What did I do? Well, prayed, held my breath, and looked ahead to the space I wanted to be in, rather than the cars on either side.
I hopped out of my car and was surprised when another commuter came over to say "good job". He was amazed that I'd pulled that off. Frankly, so was I.
The next night I went to yoga class. It was not an easy class. And, it was a class that had a lot of balance and strength poses. (or maybe they are the same. I'm not totally sure)
Midway through a pose I was struggling. I was looking in the mirror, just like the teacher instructed, except every time I looked at my reflection to balance, I would fall out of it. I was frustrated and annoyed, and sweaty, and kind of getting angry that he was making us hold something for so long.
The longer I stood and wobbled the more I was looking at myself. My shorts were too short and made my thighs look chubby. My upper body was fat not strong. My cheeks were red and I looked terrible with all my makeup washed off. The messy bun on my head was less yoga style and more disheveled. And the harder I tried the more impossible it seemed.
There was no inner peace and balance. No awesome breathe in breathe out release. Nothing. In fact, in the time we were holding it (a minute? two? twenty? ) I had pretty much decided that I needed to rethink this whole yoga thing.
Yep. I do make snap decisions.
Especially when I'm hating myself.
And then the teacher came over, helped me back to the proper position and said "look in the mirror and focus on your strength and beauty."
And he stood there, helping me find my balance.
I looked at myself again. For a moment I looked past the stuff I hate. I rooted my foot, I straightened my shoulders, and I looked at the strength in my eyes and my body. And then I let go of the body resentment. Not forever. But for that moment.
And I realized that this was no different than avoiding collisions. Look where you want to go, not at what you want to avoid.
I may never hit my beauty ideal. I'll never have a dancers thin limbs or the ability to tie my hair into a perfect messy bun. But I liked seeing that strength. For a moment I believed fully that I was strong and beautiful and capable.
So I kept going. I kept breathing. I smiled. I relaxed. And I made it through not only those poses but the entire plank series.
And I left realizing that every day I need to remember to focus on the good. Because although there are a million things I can run into on the collision course of life, I will look ahead at where I want to be. And hopefully that's exactly where I will end up.

Cheesy

At the ripe old age of 7 and 3/4, Matthew is reading a lot. He reads everything from signs to encyclopedias and everything in between.
And on a trip to the bookstore we discovered the Geronimo Stilton books. They are actually a little below Matt's reading level, but he loves them, and they are long, and the combo of pictures and stories and jokes has him laughing and giggling well past his bedtime. In fact, we've often seen him put down his DS in favour of reading, and I love this.
So, when he asked me this week if we could try out a recipe in his book, I was intrigued.
And, since Geronimo Stilton is a mouse (or a rat, I dunno) cheesecake makes sense. Cheesecake, though, is not something I've ever really made, with the exception of "fake" cheesecake Mike and I once attempted years ago with very little success. So, we had to start from scratch buying ingredients we don't tend to have on hand (cream cheese, sour cream, graham crackers), not to mention borrowing a spring form pan to put all of this in.
And, it's been a three-day project. Shopping one day. Baking one day. More baking and chocolate melting the third day (tonight). I'm not even sure if my kids will enjoy the cheesecake. And, since i'm trying to avoid this stuff ... it may be a giant sugary treat that sits in our fridge.
But the process has been worth it. Last night I watched as Matt masterminded the baking while Chloe assisted and we did the oven stuff. It was a family affair. And, I think by the time we get to sample this it will be well worth it.
But, more important than the cake is seeing the joy and pleasure my monkeys had doing something pretty much all by themselves. No fighting. As Chloe said "this is called teamwork, Mama!" Yes, love. Teamwork. With cheesecake at the end.

Life should always be this sweet.

Blissy

"Perception is a mirror, not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind reflected outward."

 

If you've been following me on twitter (@lauraldawn) you are probably aware that I've had a bit of a mindset change, and I've been spending my evenings sweating my toxins out on a yoga mat in a hot yoga studio.

Like all things Laural, I've managed to skip the moderation concept and throw myself all in. This is a pretty fundamental truth of mine - there's no halfway with me. When it comes to projects, ideas, thoughts or emotions I love, or think I will love, I just jump right in. I'm seeing this right now in my life - I'm embracing this concept of wholeness and connecting with love and light and I'm loving the blissy feeling that has started to envelope me these past couple of  weeks.

And,  I want to talk about it, write about it, tweet about it and most of all experience it, with no apologies for throwing myself completely into it.

However. I don't want to make this a yoga blog. So, I'm not going to write about this more than once a week. Or so. You know, if enlightenment hits no promises. But I will try.

So, how did I get here and what's going on? 

My decision to try out hot yoga was on the surface pretty random. My mom has done it for years, and has always offered me a free guest pass to get started. But, with January comes promotions, and I saw a sign for an unlimited month for $40, and driving past the sign every day spoke to me. Combine that with the fact that I've been feeling just ick since before Christmas, I was feeling completely uninspired to run, and I really just needed to deal with some stress in a positive way, I signed myself up for the month, and decided 30 days is a good place to start. I promised myself I could give it 30 days to make a decision about continuing. Just be. That is all.

And, then I went to the bookstore to read up on yoga and I saw the book "Spirit Junkie" and picked it up instead of a book on the history of yoga. And I've been reading and practicing and feeling altogether  well ... BLISSY.

So, all in. But with a twist. I'm letting all this energy and love and happiness wash over me. But, I'm not setting any goals. For once I'm not setting a timeline to accomplish something (eg. a 5k in under 30 min). I'm not forcing myself to commit to a year of daily practice. Instead I'm trying something new. I'm being patient. I'm letting the experience lead me. Rather than committing to being able to twist myself into a difficult pose by March, I'm committing to staying at this beginner level as long as necessary - and reserving judgement of myself. I'm looking inward more. Loving myself more. And letting go of a lot of self judgement.

And this ... this is what I'm remembering.

Perception is a mirror, not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind reflected outward.

Hide and Seek

Chloe is a couple months away from turning 4. I have no idea when that happened. I have no idea when she suddenly became a child completely strong in her convictions and very capable of speaking her mind. But at 3.75 years here we are.
And one thing Chloe is very certain of? HIDE AND SEEK.
I know. It's an awesome game. I loved it when I was little. Matt insisted on playing it when he was little, and now Miss Chloe has taken this game over.
The thing is ...
I love it to.
I used to find it tedious at best until I discovered that Chloe's version of an awesome game of Hide and Seek is me hiding, and then jumping out at her and scaring her. (Did I mention she's in love with Buffy the Vampire Slayer?). It's become our daily ritual. We play for 20 minutes. Full out shrieking ensues. I am often the cause.
Sometimes.
I forget.
That parenting is about playing.
That being present doesn't just mean being in the room.
That I actually like to play.
And that I'm awesome at finding hiding spaces in our tiny town house.

Over the past few weeks I've noticed that my daughter copies me a lot. Some of the things she does are super cute. It's adorable when she puts my make up on to look like me (we wash it off) or when she tries on my clothes and walks in my shoes. It's hilarious when she uses the same phrases as me and when she proclaims that it's "girl time".
But, I'm also watching her do some of the things I'm not proud of - losing her temper over stuff. Slamming doors. Foot stomping. Shouting "I'm so frustrated right now"
So, I need to be the example.  I'll never be perfect. But, I will be calm.

And, I will start having fun again.

Hide and Seek anyone?

PS Don't tell Chloe, but I pretty much always hide behind a curtain!

Refresh

I spent all of last year losing weight.
This year no resolutions. But, I'm a little bored of the routine - run one day, strength the next. It's January, and as much as I love my treadmill ... GAH!!!!
I'm also stressed and exhausted. The triple of changes at work, exhaustion, having a 3 year old and well, life in general is kind of getting to me.
So I decided to do the craziest thing I could think of. HOT YOGA.
Hey. It may not be bungee jumping. But I hate extreme heat. And I hate stillness. So, hot yoga? odd choice.
Of everything I pictured myself doing, hot yoga was not one of them. I run out my stress. I turn my music up. I sing along when no one is watching. Any kind of yoga, especially hot yoga, is new to me. And I can't get enough.
I have no idea how many calories it burns.
I don't really care.
I really just like when we're supposed to let go of everything.
I'm terrible at it. And I like trying to focus on my breath. I'm a little obsessed with the idea of letting a thought go as soon as it pops into my hear. I want to do that all the time.
Maybe I never will.
I also like wearing yoga tops minus a bra. Just supportive tops (thanks lululemon).
I kind of don't hate how I look in the mirror. Mind you I'm usually too focused on everything to really look in the mirror.
I feel good.

And here's what I know.
I'm being more true to myself. I'm making decisions for me - even if it disappoints people sometimes.
I'm bringing lunch - not buying.
I'm getting some control.
I'm watching Harry Potter with my kids.
And I may skip going to Disney this year.
I'm singing as loud as I can to the music in my car. And yes. It's Alanis. And, yes. I do agree with her definition of ironic.
I'm watching Buffy over and over. I may not find a new favourite series.
And I'm also letting go of some stuff I really really need to let go of.

There are some things I want to do. And all of them require believing in myself.

REFRESH. (and namaste)


.

An Update ... and Pics

I wasn't going to post about this because I don't want this to become a weightloss blog. but ...
It's funny because since January I've lost close to 25 pounds which is great. It's funny how you start doing something and it works, and then you think to yourself how weird it is that you've been trying for years and suddenly there it is. And it seemed kind of easy.
And also. People are noticing. Which is kind of awesome. It's also kind of weird because as much as it's great and I appreciate it, in the back of my mind I kind of think "hmmm ... did that person think I was fat before?" Which dumb mindset. but true.
Anyway, over and over people keep asking me what I'm doing.
So, in answer to the questions ... it's all very simple. I finally listened to what every fitness expert says. You need to burn more calories than you consume. You need to eat healthy and exercise. And drink water.
That's all I'm doing.
I don't doubt that other programs work. I've done Weight Watchers many many times. I think it's great. I lost a lot of weight with it. Here are my personal issues with it. First, after awhile the points get to me. Some people love it. I get obsessed. And I try to cheat it. Which isn't effective. Second. The weigh-ins. I don't work well under pressure. I hate someone else seeing the number before me. I hate that I feel like i have to justify every ouce to the woman behind the scale (even though you don't). And you have to pay for this. I should say - I hit lifetime. (also known as goal weight) It's very close to the weight I am now (9 lbs) and I was 10 years younger and hadn't had 2 kids. The fact that that number is in site amazes me. And I kind of want to go back for my last 5 pounds. We shall see.
It also occurred to me that maybe the next time I see my doctor I should ask her about "the number" - maybe I should set it lower than I did 10 years ago.
Actually, I just booked an appointment with a dietian. Maybe she will have an idea.
It's funny how I'm open to these things now.
I've heard good things about other programs. I just didn't want to spend the money. I always assume that spending money means I will lose weight. Doesn't quite work that way.
And I don't have a trainer. I have had trainers. But, I don't belong to a gym. And most trainers don't like 5am appointments. Plus, I am not that friendly at 5 am. I have an eye rolling issue. My last trainer called me on that.A LOT. (i.e.Him:  Is it necessary for you to roll your eyes when I say do 20 push ups. Me: Yes.)
Here's what I did.
1) I set a goal for myself. So, I wanted to lose 30 lbs (well 32) but I broke it down into 10 pound timeframes. Ten pounds by Valentine's Day, 10 pounds by my birthday (May) and the final 10 pounds by my 10th anniversary (July). Yay for being ahead of my schedule.
2) I sat down for about an hour and figured out, thanks to a computer program and blackberry app, how many calories I could eat, how much I'd need to work out, etc. It's all math but I hate math. So, I kept it really really simple.
That was the easy part. Here's where it got hard. I made 2 committments
1) I promised myself that as much as this is about the numbers (I don't get people who don't care about the number on the scale) I was going to follow my program regardless. I always make the mistake of giving up when I have a gain or giving up when I'm close to a goal and don't think I can do it. So. I get one rest morning a week. Every other weekday I'm up at 4:45 and working out by 5. I'm done by 5:30. Workout times vary on the weekend. I have coffee brewing while I work out. If I have a bad day I keep at it. I write down my food. If I have a bad day I start again the next day. And if I screw it up I give myself a break. That is a really nice feeling.
2) Team Awesome. My friend committed to doing this with me. We don't work out together. We don't look at each other's food journals. I like that. What we do is check in with each other on workout days. On our blackberries. I don't want to explain this one much further. But, I will say that being committed to a morning check in - and having a supportive friend cheering you on (who you are cheering for too) makes a huge difference.

So ...
I'm doing it.
There's no magic. I am doing the Kettleworx program which I love (though the Sarge kicks my butt) 3-4 days a week. On alternate days I'm running just under 5 k on the treadmill. This is my morning. In the evenings I try to get in another workout. I love that I can run outside now some days. But I'm also happy watching tv from the treadmill.(I aim to brun 400-500 calories a day)
I'm eating about 1200 calories - 1500 calories a day (closer to 1200) and that is a lot of protein, the good carbs (mostly in the morning and at lunch) and tons of veggies. I've tried really hard to cut out sugar. And I'm getting there.
Sometimes I have a cheeseburger. I occassionally eat dark chocolate. I'm eating a lot of almonds, but they are unsalted which is a great way to moderate how many I eat.

I'm running a 5k race at the end of April. With my dad. He's fast. I plan to try to match his pace. At least at first. And I really want to push for a September 10k.

And I really need a new wardrobe! Because for once none of my clothes fit me, but instead of being too small they are too big. I'll take it.

And I'm happy!

Before ... and After

Here's me around November. I'm not a big before and after person. But, when I saw this picture I wasn't too happy with myself. And then I spent 2 months eating more and deleting picture of myself. I am surprised I kept this one.

And this is now. Or a couple weeks ago (and a couple pounds) ago.
(I know. I just posted it. But i'm having picture issues.)

Let's Belay ...

Last night I spent two and a half hours at a rock climbing gym.


Let me back up a bit.

Matt is a very active boy. But he's not a fan of team sports. I've been debating putting him in soccer and football but he's not interested.

One day we talked about indoor rock climbing.

Yesterday I called to find out more.

It turns out that you kind of need a partner to rock climb because one person holds the ropes (belaying) while the other climbs. So, if I want to take Matt rock climbing I need that skill. So I signed up for the belaying class.

One hour, they promised. "It's as easy as driving a car."

I failed 6 driving tests.

I doubted I'd be done in an hour.

Regardless, I put on my lululemons and a cheerful t-shirt and off I went to belay.

Ha.

They didn't tell me I'd also be climbing the wall.

Whatevs.

The class was taught by the guy who teaches the kids - so he really got it when I explained my need to make sure I understood safety so I could protect matt. There were also only 2 other people in the class.

We started off by putting on harnesses (sounds sooooo simple). And then we moved on to tying knots. I still don't know how I figured that out. And I will practice.

And then we learned to belay. And took turns belaying each other and climbing the walls.

Awesome!

I have no idea why I had never considered this but I loved it. I loved both parts.

My first climb ... Well I'm a little scared of heights so when I first looked down it was a little startling. But you know, if turned out just fine. Well until I had to let go and trust someone to help me down. I spent a good couple of minutes clinging to the wall. And then I decided that I would just climb back down.

And then I learned I couldn't do it all my way. And the ride down was incredible.

After about an hour of this, and proving to the instructor that we were capable belayers we got a quick tour of the gym. And we were done.

And then instructor offered to work with me a little more. He knew I was still pretty anxious about locking Matt in and being responsible for him.

We then did several more climbs. I practiced my knots. I learned how to tie matt into a harness (different from tying myself in). And then we practiced over and over. The teacher actually "fell" a couple of times to show me that I had the tools to manage a fall.

(Is it wrong that after the first fall I thought it was kind of cool?)

After 2 and a half hours I left knowing I could do this.

As I was leaving I said to him "are you sure I can handle this? I think I've got it."

His response?

"You had it in the first 10 minutes. It just took another two hours for you to develop the confidence."

And if that isn't true about my life in general I don't know what is.

And She's 3

Yesterday we celebrated Chloe's 3rd birthday.
Technically her birthday is tomorrow. But, don't tell Chloe that!
I'll be the first person to tell you I welcome this age. Just as much as I'm fully embracing Matt turning 7. I love my kids to death. I just find hte older they get the more I enjoy them.
This is true of my Chloe.

Chloe's birthday party of choice was a princess party. She knew what she wanted. She wanted to wear a princess dress; she wanted to get her nails done with friends; she wanted cucpakes at home.
She wanted her mom to dress like a princess.

She got her wishes.
We've seen a lot of change in Chloe in the last while.
My little girl has started karate. I think she's doing okay. I don't really know for sure since I don't drop her off or pick her up. But I know she loves it.
She has also developed friendships.She always talks about a little girl she is friends with at Matt's school. She was of course invited to Chloe's party.
She is completely in love with her cousins.
And then there is her relationship with her big brother. Chloe can drive Matt insane. Matt can drive Chloe insane. But they also PLAY. I love watching them playing together in the playground or in a play place. They are non-stop.
And this child is strong willed.
She knows what she wants and doesn't want. And she will tell you. She knows the rules and constantly pushes against them. That may scare some people. Not me. I really want a strong willed daughter. As I see her grow up I am confident that she will be able to stand up for herself.
But at the same times she is so sweet and kind and loving.
I love that she adores her family, her pets and her dolls.
I love that she craves cuddles - on her own terms.
I love that she dresses herself in crazy outfits. That she adores shoes and that she truly believes that her "bibbidi-bobbidi-boo stick" (wand) holds magical powers.
I have no idea what this year will hold, let alone what magic my daughter has in store for me as she grows up.
But, I can't wait to find out.
Happy birthday, Baby Girl, Princess Coco. Miss Chloe.

Going For 20 ...

There's absolutely no question that I have talked a lot about weight on this blog. It's one of those things that no matter how much I avoid the subject in my life it's always there. Always bugging me. Always on my mind.
Here's the thing about me, my weight fluctuates with my mood. And god knows my mood fluctuates a lot. I've often said that there's nothing chocolate can't cure. And, that's not just a line for me. I really do believe that. (though it's not just chocolate. chips, candy, steak ...)
And, I'll say this has been true most of my life.
It's true exercise helps. I actually enjoy working out, to a point. When I'm stressed a good (short) run calms me down. Or at least channels the frustration. So, I've relied on burning calories so I'm not a million pounds.
But I've also learned something about myself. An amazing guage of how well i'm coping in life is whether I get up in the morning and work out.
I mean, we all need rest days, of course. But, if I'm not up and working out 3 out of 7 days. and can't drag myself out of bed - that's kind of a problem. And it means life is getting too much for me.
I should have had a nice clear sign when I quit my gym membership with no workout program in sight. Or when I was waking up progressively earlier to get to work. Or just getting annoyed at life.
Thankfully Christmas came. And I took a couple weeks off. And we decided to keep the gym memberships cancelled. And we got a treadmill. And life got back on track for me.
Except I went one step further. And I decided to watch what I'm eating. I didn't go back to the old fall back of Weight Watchers (no offense to it, I've just done it a lot). I simply downloaded an app that lets me track calories.
And I made a decision that I'm sticking by.
I will get up and exercise because it keeps me sane. And my mood will not control my eating.
Period. To stay on track I'm writing it all down (or typing it in to be exact).
So that I can see that I'm in control.
And when I miss a day or lose control it's not going to own me. If I have chocolate it isn't an excuse to eat a cheeseburger. It's just chocolate.
Here's the thing.
I've been doing this for 7 weeks now.
And I'm feeling good about myself. I'm enjoying the workouts (I've added kettle bells - OMG - so good so hard). I'm feeling healthy. I'm enjoying salads.
And I've lost weight. I've lost 17 pounds. I've finally passed the number that I never seem to dip below. And I passed that 8 pounds ago.
I have about 20 to go. And I think I'll get there.But, 17 is a milestone for me. I'm actually not afraid of the scale these days. And I'm enjoying the process.
And soon I will hit 20 lbs lost. Who knew 2011 would be the year to do this?
Anyone wanna run a 5k with me this summer?

Karate 2.0

I haven't posted in awhile. I think maybe since summer. it's not that I don't have anything to say. quite the opposite. The thing is, when I started this blog i had aspirations of being a writer, and felt like no one wanted to read what I had to say. And then my job changed and bit by bit I've been writing more and more.
Sometimes to the point where I can't put a sentence together.
And I'm not complaining. I love it. But, this space has been quiet. I know. It's a combo of having a lot to write, and also something more. It's this thing called parenting. And trying to balance what you say about your kids and not say, etc. I don't care if I have 5 readers or 500, the truth is I think about my words and how they affect my kids.
But then today ....
Today was my daughter's first karate class. She will be 3 next month, and she needs something. And karate seemed right up her alley. She's a princess, but she's feisty. And she needs to channel her energy.
This is the same karate dojo where I brought Matt. We had a love-hate relationship. He wanted to do karate. i wanted him to do karate. but it just didn't quite work. Nothing is the right fit for anyone. And he was struggling with behaviour. I pulled him because I didn't see eye to eye with the Sensei. He wanted to "train" Matt. Not a bad call. But, I wasn't ready for the tough firm correction. Matt was 4.
And over the past 2 years things in Matt's world have improved.
Yes he's on meds for ADHD. but he's matured. I've matured. we've learned to talk about issues and to manage anger and frustration. I've watched my child grow into a kid who can focus just fine when he likes what he is focused on.
And i realized the other day that I'm doing just fine as a mom. My kids are sweet and respectful though energetic.  They eat their vegetables. They dress themselves. They make me laugh.
And I realized I was ready to go back to that dojo and try again.
it's funny going back with a totally different child. With the child who runs out to say "I'm having fun" and charms the pants off everyone and instead of having a meltdown flashes her signature smile and makes everyone laugh.
Not better. Different.
i'm not sure how to explain this any other way, other than to say that it made me so proud to be the mom to both of my kids. I was sitting in the totally familiar place, calmly waiting for my daughter to finish, and all I could think about was how worth it all of these struggles with Matt have been and will be.
The truth is, sometimes you have to see how far you've come to appreciate where you're going.
I know I'm not in for an easy ride. but after a day like today I can't wait to see what the future holds.
(oh and maybe i'll start blogging about it)

My summer vacation

I think I took a blogging break there.
We kind of took a break from everything. Well, not work, but anything structured went out the window. My kids spent 2 months with no planned activities. Their days were centred around visits to the playground, eating popsicles, staying up late and watching tv.

Call me crazy, but when you're 2 and 6 that's how it should be.


Maybe if they'd wanted to go to a camp we would have looked into it, but anything I suggested to Matt was turned down.
No apologies here.
And Chloe ... she's 2.

She is driving us crazy, and I didn't particularly want to send her anywhere.


And, suddenly, September happened.
And we are back to schedules. And homework. And trying to remember to sign all the necessary forms and make sure Matt has all the stuff he needs for school.



He's ready.
I'm not.
But I don't have much say.


You just do it.
One of the highlights of this summer for me was watching my kids play with their cousins.


It's a 5-minute drive to my sister's place. In a way I take it for granted. But, not really.
We chose our house, and the fact it was so close to my sister played a role in that.
We have spent the summer having sleepovers, playdates, drop-by's you name it.
I don't think any of the parents think twice about disciplining the kids (i.e. "Matt. Stop.") nor do the kids really differentiate between us much of the time.
It's not unusual to find Matt playing lego in my sister's bedroom or Kyla watching Camp Rock in my living room.

I've loved watching my younger niece, Paige (5) hanging out with Matt (6). We had a sleepover the other night and I came upstairs to what I thought was 2 sleeping kids. Instead they were reading a book together, and laughing at the jokes.
It was late. I probably should have told them to go to sleep.
But instead I went back downstairs, and remembered that it's those moments that make summer special.
Maybe next year I'll put my kids in camp.
But this summer was just what they needed.
No pressure.
Lots of laughing.

And enjoying being kids.


So ... how was your summer?

A Weekend to Remember ....

I had a long to-do list for this long weekend.
There was laundry to be done. Bathrooms to be cleaned. A house to be tidied.
I did none of it.

Instead I started the weekend off with friends ...

Where we spent an evening laughing, chatting and having a couple drinks. (and cooking up a great plan) And of course watching Pretty Woman which really is one of the best movies. With funny lines. "Be still like vegetables. Lay like broccoli." Or "Big Mistake. BIG.HUGE"

Love it.

I also spent an amazing afternoon with one incredible niece. We got our nails done. We laughed. We chatted. We discussed our favourite episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place.

We spent Saturday evening at my parents' place. We were celebrating my sister's birthday. Matt decided to show us his amazing gymnastics skills on the trees. 

Chloe and Paige also enjoyed some cousin bonding time on the couch. Each with their own baby doll. Don't think for a second this was bedtime. No no. This was just a little break to give them enough energy to zip way past bedtime.

The other highlight of the weekend was taking the kids geocaching. I'll admit. I wasn't the biggest fan of it. Until I started watching everyone hunt around for the prize. And I couldn't resist climbing around a park downtown Oakville on my hands and knees, looking for treasure. That's my niece holding the treasure.

Awesome!

And then the was today. The bonus weekend day (ha ha. not to be confused with the Bonus Jonas).

We decided to go to the beach.

I'm not a big fan of going into Lake Ontario. But, even I got into the action.

No really. That's me waving. I KNOW! 

It was kind of a perfect lake day. I say that despite myself. 

Even Miss Chloe got into the action. In fact, I'd have to say that she may possibly have had the best time of all the kids. She loved hugging Kyla in the water and jumping into the waves. It was adorable to see. (and of course she was in a life jacket with adults hovering).


Life has been a little overwhelming lately. I'm tired. And I needed a break. Add in watching Julie and Julie, an amazing run, a 12 hour sleep on Friday night and a nap this afternoon ... and I'm feeling human again.

Life isn't perfect. But sometimes it's nice to take a break from it all and just watch your kids enjoy life.

On Running and Life or Something Like That

m not even going to explain the lack of posting. Blame it on summer, nothing and everything to write about and being busy. And life has just been a little much lately.

The one thing I've been doing more lately is running. not long distances but enough to clear my head, take a deep breath and not wallow in stress.

Last night I had an amazing run. It was a perfect night. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and for some bizarre reason, after putting chloe to bed I decided to put on my running stuff.

I had decided to do my shorter route. But oddly enough when I got to the turn I decided to extend it. My pace was good, nothing hurt. Why not.

When I was running I was thinking about the first time I entered a race. It was hard. It was a 5k but let's face it - for me 5k is a marathon. And the route goes uphill to start and then you turn and go downhill.

When I was running the uphill part I was struggling and I started to cry because I had worked hard to get here and I wasn't going to make it. I walked a minute then ran a minute and I was not happy. I felt like a failure.

The thing is just when I was really about to give into a good cry I passed by a group of people clapping. And it was so unexpected. And amazing. And I ran 2 more minutes. And there were more clappers. All they did was clap, shout and cheer me on. But it was what I needed. I RAN.

It seemed like every time I stopped I'd look up and there was someone screaming for me to keep going.

Often when I run it's not fun. Everything hurts. I run to escape stress. And there are a lot of nights I throw pace out the window and run everything off. I'm soaked with sweat and I know I can cry and the sweat masks it. I love that.

And sometimes I'm tired and wish those clapping people could pop out and start cheering me on. (The fact they'd probably scare the shit out of me is a little irrelevant)

But last night when I was running I kept thinking that sometimes we just have to do it alone.

You know the dumb thing about life is that sometimes I feel I'm so reliant on other people. Do I think I would have made it through that race without the clappers? Probably. I'm pretty sure that at some point I would have told myself to snap out of it and just finish. And that's what happened last night.

The truth is the clapping people probably couldn't have cared less if I made it through or not. There were lots of people to cheer on.

I'm kind of tired of basing who I am on what people tell me I should be. I'm kind of tired of needing people to push me on and cheer for me. And dare I say it - I'm a little tired of being needed so much.

Sometimes you have to give up and throw in the towel. We all wear masks of who we want to be. And the thing is often when I'm not faking it - that's when people think I am.

And maybe I'm talking around some stuff that's really bugging me. Partly because I don't want to post a bunch of personal stuff for the world to read. But when it comes down to it - there's a reason I love Julie Powell.  (You know Cleaving and Julie and Julia). It's because she comes to an amazing conclusion - sometimes life just is. And sometimes at the centre of it you aren't going to find the pot of gold.

You're going to find a whole lot of nothing.

My take? Sometimes knowing that is okay. And maybe, just maybe, a first race is a first race. And after that you're on your own, baby.

And that. Well I guess that's called growing up.

How to be Mother of the Year (for Lettuce)

My friend is about to have a baby. I'm thrilled for her. And I think it just a little bit funny that she asks me for advice because I feel a little under qualified. But, still ... it makes my day. And I'm honest. So there's that.
So, in honour of my friend "Lettuce" having a baby I wanted to share some of my parenting advice. Or, more specifically some stuff I've learned over the last (OMG) 6 years.

1. You're a better parent than you think. It's really easy to doubt yourself. But the truth is, no matter who you are, when they put the baby in your hands it's scary. But a lot of the stuff you do is by instinct.
2. Some moms look at parenting as a competition. It's not. Some kids are good sleepers some aren't. Some babies nurse really well. Some don't. The list goes on. Nobody wins the parenting contest. I figure if you make it through the day without losing your mind you win.
3. Be Selfish. Choose sleep over cleaning. Use soothers if you're baby will take one. Eat when you can. Accept offers of everything (holding the baby, a cooked meal, whatever)
4. Play Dress Up with your Baby as long as you can. Let me explain. When Matt was a baby I was all about the cute little argyle sweaters and Osh Kosh overalls. That lasted till he was maybe 2 and discovered truck t-shirts. Chloe has been outfitted in head to toe pink and purple since birth. She's now rather demanding about what she wears (thankfully she loves princess dresses). The time you get to choose clothing doesn't last. Embrace it while you can.
5. The first few months suck. It's great and everything to have a new baby. But you are sleep deprived, cranky and fight with your spouse. Just get through it. And know it gets better.
6. Remember people care. I had a really rough first year with Matt. (It was far easier with Chloe). I couldn't have made it through without some people who were there for me. I had a friend who emailed me these incredible encouraging notes. I lived for those. My sister would literally just drive in and make me go for coffee. Sometimes you have to ask for help because people don't want to overstep.
7. Finally, take pictures. Time really goes by quickly. Take lots of pictures.

Love ya, Lettuce! You will be an amazing mom!

Tutus For Tanner

I don't exactly look like your typical runner. Nor do I look like a ballerina.
So, wearing running clothes with a tutu on top can best be described as a fashion don't.
But, fashion dilemma or not, on Thursday evening I ran in a 5k race. It wasn't my first one.
But, here's the thing ... this one was special.
I read about Tutus for Tanner awhile ago, before I'd signed up for this race, compiled a team of colleagues, or thought about what they may say about wearing tutus.
I knew I'd run this race in a tutu.
For Tanner. For Catherine. For myself.
The amazing thing is, when we got closer to the date and the team had been recruited, when I floated the idea of wearing tutus the buy-in was amazing. Not because of me, but because everyone read Tanner's story.

The first person to say yes, more like "hell yeah" was a friend of mine who made up his mind to run this race a year ago. Over the past year he lost 75 pounds and started running. 
And, when I told him the purpose behind this he embraced it.
And convinced the men on our team to run in tutus also. Because they could. And because as a team we could show we care.
Before I ran I knew I would write about it. Here, of course, on my blog. But I also had to explain over our company intranet why this team of people was running in a tutu.
A week before the event I wrote about it. And people loved the idea.
But the day of the event changed a few things for me.
On my daily GO Train commute, the train I was riding on hit a jumper. It's easy to joke about jumpers when you've never felt the impact as you're sitting on a train, seen the covered body, the mangled belongings, the bloody train.
But that's what I saw the morning of the run.
And it changed my perspective drastically.
As I sat with a friend (who thankfully was on my train) we were calculating the thousands of people who were delayed by this incident.
And I said to her, "imagine if just one tenth of the people affected by this, those of us who are saddened by this, had somehow shown that we care?"
She's used to me. She made me feel better by saying there was no way we could have known this person or changed the situation.

But, I realized that this is what Tutus for Tanner is all about.
Catherine has told us all that he is dying.
I can't change that. I don't have millions of dollars to put into research, nor do I have some genius scientific formula to cure what he has.
But, I can run in his honour.
I can't fix things.
But I can show him that I care. And that there's a bunch of people who are willing to stand out in a crowd to show that he's worth acknowledging.
Don't get me wrong.
I believe in magic. I believe in prayers. Most of all I believe in hope.
And I believe that, if nothing else, we can hope that no matter what happens in Tanners life, he knows that there are a lot of people out there that care and are thinking of him.
I am. And I was proud to wear a tutu to show that.

The amazing thing about this was my team. When I was overwhelmed by the amount of tutu making (seriously, 100 yards of tulle is a little scary) I sent an e-mail to a bunch of friends, including non-runners, and 12 people gave up a lunch hour to tie tulle to ribbon. Just because they cared.

So, the entire team didn't wear tutus. The people who were running for time (one of teammates came in third place!) decided not to. But, they asked for something to show they were part of the team. So, everyone wore signs to say what this is all about.
So, 5km per person and 11 people wearing tutus equals 55km in honour of Tanner. (and 4 people showing support).
It's not huge. But it matters.
And, it was one of the most amazing experiences ever.

School

The end of the school year is close, and as usual I'm stressing about teacher gifts.
And honestly, I'm kind of just stressing about the end of kindergarten in general.
Matt will be done senior kindergarten this month.
I am honestly wondering where the time went. I'm also wondering how the heck I'm supposed to get some sort of teacher gift to thank the teacher that has done so much in Matt's life.
Two year's ago I met Matt's teacher, Miss K. I knew from the minute I met her that she was the perfect fit for Matt, and our family.
I was at a meet the teacher night. Chloe was really little (3 months, maybe) and Matt was 4. He was just out of daycare and at home full time with me. And everything was a challenge for him. His behaviour was out of control and I was terrified at the prospect of him going into school.
So I stuck around to talk to his teacher after we'd been told the classrooms, etc.
In about 5 minutes she made me feel at ease. And she said to me "I will work with you to make this work for Matthew."
And for the past 2 years she has done that.
I've seen Matt grow in so many ways.
This amazing teacher has not just taught Matt, she has loved him. He talks about her constantly. I know the other children, and parents, love her too.
I know that this is the best possible introduction to school my child, and I, could have ever asked for.
And now those 2 years are over.
And it seems like buying a gift card and a thank you note aren't enough.
I'm not sure what would be.
I'm not suggesting a million dollar gift. I just want something meaningful, something that says how much she means to us.
I was talking to Matt about it last night. He suggested that we either buy her a car or a zhu zhu pet.
Both good ideas.
But, I'm thinking they may not be quite what I'm looking for.
Any ideas?
Cuz I have nothing.

Maple Leaf Roundtable and a CONTEST!

For a long time I’ve been fascinated by the phrase “a perfect storm”.

I hear it a lot when things are described in the financial world, but I realized that it holds true anywhere.

The connotation of the phrase is worst case scenario. To define it even better, a perfect storm is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.

August 2008.

Twenty-two Canadians died after eating food contaminated by Listeria.

That, my friends, was the perfect storm. A company that had good safety standards with a major crisis on their hands.

My family wasn’t directly affected. I was at home on maternity leave with a 4 month old and a 4 year old. I’d sworn off a lot of meat, deli meat especially, in pregnancy. And, since I was pretty sure that my son had ADHD, our entire family was on a diet that eliminated pretty much everything in an effort to try to control the symptoms. Nitrates were evil. (as was sugar, artificial colours, chocolate, juice … fun times in our home!)

I watched the news unfold with a sense of horror, and admittedly a little bit of elitism

“Not me.”

“Not in my house.”

“We don’t eat anything processed. My family would never get that.”

That was a year and a half ago.

If you look in my fridge now you may be surprised.

The nitrate-free organic items have been replaced by, you guessed it. Hot dogs. My kids beg for mac and cheese (and get it) and my fibre laced cookies have been replaced by whatever happens to be on sale this week at the grocery store. We eat a lot of processed meat because it’s easy.

And suddenly it hits me.

I was living in a bubble. I was lucky that we weren’t affected by this outbreak. I was lucky that this was a year and a half ago. Not today.

I’m back at work. I have a nanny at my house. My husband and I fight over who has to cook dinner. I throw stuff in my kid’s lunch and grab something on the way out the door for me.

And while I’ve been in a tailspin called life, the company responsible for the outbreaks has been working hard to ensure that we can trust them again. And know that they will stand behind their products.

Last week I had the opportunity to attend an event held by Maple Leaf Foods with other parent bloggers.

 Michael McCain, the CEO of the corporation spoke to us. You’ve probably seen him on commercials.

He was there to speak to us about food safety. And to talk about what happened in August of 2008. He said something that shocked me, “We killed 22 people.”

He took the responsibility, and placed it directly on his shoulders.

I was impressed.

It’s not easy to admit a mistake. It’s even harder to wear that mistake means you were responsible for the death of 22 people.

The other thing that I respected was that they are now working to educate people about food safety.  And believe me I was inspired to clean out my kitchen after learning about various food hazards.

One other thing they introduced to us was the Maple Leaf Food Safety Pledge. In this pledge they state their commitment to food safety. It’s something that they take seriously. And, if they are willing to take it seriously I’m willing to buy their products.

And just so I can feel a little less guilt about serving my kids processed meats, they now make Natural Selections products that are healthier. And, according to my six year old, yummy!

While we were at the roundtable event we had a chance to eat dinner and enjoy their products. And take some home to enjoy at home.

CONTEST

And, there’s a chance for you to win some Maple Leaf Products as well. The gift bag, which is actually a thermal grocery bag, includes a Maple Leaf Apron, a meat thermometer, pen and coupons for approximately $20.00 of Maple Leaf Products!

How to enter:
1. Leave a comment here. Please tell me what is important about food safety to you. (please use a valid e-mail address)
Bonus Entry:
2. Follow me on Twitter @Lauraldawn or tell me that you already do.
Contest is open to residents of Canada and closes on Thursday June 10.

I was invited by MatchStick Inc in conjunction with Maple Leaf Foods to attend the Round Table event. I had dinner at the event and received a gift bag that included $20 in gas cards, some Maple Leaf products and coupons. However, this did not influence what I wrote in this post.