Lately I've been really tired.
I know I'm a mother, with a pre-schooler who has a ton of energy. And I work full time. And I've been running.
So, in a sense maybe I'm a little burnt out.
But, it's not just that.
Ever since the Virginia Tech Massacre I haven't slept properly.
For the longest time I refused to read about it. I saw the headlines and I didn't completely bury my head in the sand, but I refused to read all of the specifics. Right now I don't want to know the names of those killed. I don't want to know why. Maybe that's a little cold of me. But, I don't.
I remember when Columbine happened. I was fixated on the news. I needed to know why. I think that behind my morbid curiousity was this feeling that was if I knew why they did it I would rest a little easier. I wouldn't need to fear for my safety or the safety of my loved ones.
But, as sad and as scary as Columbine was - it's different now.
I have a child.
And, lately I have found it hard to sleep.
My son is in daycare. I love his daycare. But, it's in a highschool. Sometimes I worry that someone in the highschool will bring a gun. That scares me.
I try to remember that it is unlikely.
I also can think of a million other reasons why it's unlikely. We moved to a safer neighbourhood than we were in. We are part of a community. The school his daycare is in is a great school with a great community. I don't think there's any graffiti on the walls.
But, I still worry.
And, at night, when I'm trying to sleep, I get scared.
I know there will be many more things I need to worry about. I know that on a practical level Matt will be in a zillion fights and have lots of battles to face that will never be as bad as someone coming in and shooting people.
But, logic doesn't always help at night - when you can close your eyes and picture the worst. And, last night these nightmares extended to my nieces. Could I protect them to? Ahhh. It's horrible.
And so I'm tired. Because so many nights I've had horrible nightmares of what could be. And they wake me up. And it's really hard to go back to sleep when you have such a horrible vision in your mind.
I know it's normal. Thank goodness for other parents who have the same fears, who tell me that being scared and concerned makes me a good parent, not a bad one.
One night's sleep. A good sound sleep ...
Really that's all I ask.
World peace would be good too.