Monday, May 07, 2007

Tired

Lately I've been really tired.
I know I'm a mother, with a pre-schooler who has a ton of energy. And I work full time. And I've been running.
So, in a sense maybe I'm a little burnt out.
But, it's not just that.
Ever since the Virginia Tech Massacre I haven't slept properly.
For the longest time I refused to read about it. I saw the headlines and I didn't completely bury my head in the sand, but I refused to read all of the specifics. Right now I don't want to know the names of those killed. I don't want to know why. Maybe that's a little cold of me. But, I don't.
I remember when Columbine happened. I was fixated on the news. I needed to know why. I think that behind my morbid curiousity was this feeling that was if I knew why they did it I would rest a little easier. I wouldn't need to fear for my safety or the safety of my loved ones.
But, as sad and as scary as Columbine was - it's different now.
I have a child.
And, lately I have found it hard to sleep.
My son is in daycare. I love his daycare. But, it's in a highschool. Sometimes I worry that someone in the highschool will bring a gun. That scares me.
I try to remember that it is unlikely.
I also can think of a million other reasons why it's unlikely. We moved to a safer neighbourhood than we were in. We are part of a community. The school his daycare is in is a great school with a great community. I don't think there's any graffiti on the walls.
But, I still worry.
And, at night, when I'm trying to sleep, I get scared.
I know there will be many more things I need to worry about. I know that on a practical level Matt will be in a zillion fights and have lots of battles to face that will never be as bad as someone coming in and shooting people.
But, logic doesn't always help at night - when you can close your eyes and picture the worst. And, last night these nightmares extended to my nieces. Could I protect them to? Ahhh. It's horrible.
And so I'm tired. Because so many nights I've had horrible nightmares of what could be. And they wake me up. And it's really hard to go back to sleep when you have such a horrible vision in your mind.
I know it's normal. Thank goodness for other parents who have the same fears, who tell me that being scared and concerned makes me a good parent, not a bad one.
But still.
One night's sleep. A good sound sleep ...
Really that's all I ask.
World peace would be good too.

4 comments:

Haley-O said...

Aww, LD. I totally hear you. There's no reasoning with anxiety. Especially such mother anxiety. It will pass. Try to do something meditational before bed. I put on a cd with ocean waves. It helps immensely. Puts me into a deep, relaxing, thoughtless (but dream-filled) sleep.... Feel better. xoxo

Anonymous said...

maybe you need to start a journal or something... write all your worries and fears down to get it out and then perhaps you can rest in peace

SciFi Dad said...

I've got nothing to add except that I hear you. I feel the same way sometimes, and my kid isn't even in a highschool (that would freak me right out... kudos to you for doing it). It's hard, because you want to protect them but you know that no matter what you do they will still find conflict, still face danger... it's a part of life.

sam said...

I totally hear where you're coming from. I too have very morbid curiosity. So much so that I was completely engulfed with Columbine, 9/11, Hurricane Katrina... this time - I didn't pay attention. Barely anything about it. It helped a little. I feel better about it, unlike the other times where I let the tragedy completely consume me.

I hope you get some sleep soon!

Hey, nice new look! ;)