Introspective

Maybe I'm feeling a tad introspective today, but there's so much rolling around in my head today that I'm taking a break from my typical diary like blog entry to amuse myself and my thoughts.

This weekend I had a bit of a break. Saturday the boys went to Peterborough while I spent a completely selfish day of self-indulgence. I did some movie watching, some cleaning, some hair highlighting, went for a walk and ate a dinner I loved.

And it made me think a little about this life I have right now. In a sense I'm somewhat conflicted. Is it okay to like life and to hate life and be stuck in the middle? Becuase I think that is where I am. On the one hand I LOVE some aspects of my life. I have what I always wanted. I have a home and a family. I have a car and a cat and I have some really good friends. And, we are starting to sort through a bunch of the stuff we faced when we were a little younger.

And, then I start to wonder - where is the drama? Where is the passion? Where is the excitement that makes me look forward to getting up in the morning, or more accurately that makes me so drained in the morning because I can't sleep at night? Where did it go and why did it go? And, do I really want it back? I think I look back on the drama of university and of early marriage and think of it in a positive excited way and I forget that with the drama came tears.

And work also plays into this picture. I'm always reading about getting ahead. Taking that next step in your career. But, I often wonder, is it okay to be happy where I am? I cut a little top 10 list out of Glamour a couple of years ago, and it was called the Top 10 things that are okay to be happy about. In them were that it is okay to be happy about your job whether or not you are the CEO of a company or not. And, lately I've realized that I actually do quite enjoy coming to work. I like that I have friends here and that we do some fun corporate events. I enjoy knowing I have a pension (albeit small since I've been only paying into it for a year) and I even enjoy the pretty constant hours every day.Does it mean I'll be here till retirement? I dunno. I doubt it. That's like 38 years away, and who knows where I'll be in 38 years? But, for now, I'm content. Is there drama? Not really. I mean there is some, but not excessive drama like in previous jobs. And I am grateful that my job description now does not include screaming at warehouse people who shipped the wrong shoes. Trust me - I'll take our mailroom (without the frigid lack of heat and air conditioning that the shoe warehouse lacked) anyday.

But, what does contentment breed? Does it breed laziness? Or am I constantly looking for something new. Is it okay to search for excitement still? I think it is okay to be a mom but still want to develop myself fully as a person. I think it's just fine to say that I devote myself to motherhood but that I still want to lose some weight and dye my hair and do my nails. In fact, I think that maybe this lack of contentment with myself in fact makes me better. And I think it all ties into one.

I don't know. BUt I'm thinking through all of these. Bring on the Drama, Mama! I'm waiting.