Part of my angst yesterday, in addition to being sad about my friend, is a bit of a guilt issue. I've written about guilt before. I'm a person who feels guilty about a lot of things, who says sorry a lot and who cries at the drop of a hat. You could say I'm overly sensitive or that I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
It's who I am.
But add a child to the mix, which I did about 3 years ago, and guilt can be an overpowering emotion.
When I first went back to work I felt incredible sadness for leaving my child. I also felt incredible guilt. This post isn't about that. I'm proud of my decision. Matthew is fine in daycare. We're happy.
But there are times when I'm not.
And, sometimes, work sucks.
In fact, someone mentioned to me the other day that they don't call work "work" because it is fun, but because it is work. That kind of bummed me out. I mean, you spend the majority of your day there. Sure, you're there to do a job, but really.
I do kind of like work sometimes. In fact a lot of the time.
And today, I was feeling pretty good about things at work. It was bonus day (yay!) and it was Friday (yay!)
So back to my original point. I was still feeling pretty guilty for going to work and leaving my child. I was going down that path of wondering what my priorities were and whether I should be working.
And I realized something.
I have to choose to be happy.
That sounds pretty simple. But it's true. If I'm going to make the conscious choice to leave Matt everyday and go to work, even though it's out of necessity, I'm going to stop being so negative. The stuff I don't like I'm going to put up with. And then stuff I like I'm going to enjoy it.
I remember thinking when I first went back how nice it was to sit for extended periods of time, to have the luxury of a quiet cup of coffee if I needed it, and to have a conversation that was not centred on all things baby.
I've forgotten about that lately.
So from now on I'm going back to being positive, to looking for the good in my day, and meeting the challenges head on. I know they aren't all wonderful and fun, but onward we go.
PS This will be one of the posts I look back on and think wow. I was really dorky that day!