This week the incomparable Her Bad Mother posted a couple of times about her frustrations of being a mother. The key quesiton she asked was "am I bad mother."
Of course she didn't really think she was a terrible mother. And she shouldn't.
But, I have to admit that this week, in particular, this weekend, I've been struggling with tsmae same frustration. And asking myself over and over again - what makes a good mother. And, I guess by the same token, a bad one.
For instance, tonight. Mike and I were completly frustrated by a non-napping toddler whom we had dragged through Walmart. (quickly, mind you). We decided to stop and pick up a pizza to go, but learned it was going to take 20 minutes, so went to Shoppers Drug Mart next door to kill time and pick up a few things we needed.
It was a disaster. All of it.
Midway through our shopping trip Matt found a halloween pitchfork and it was all over. He ran screaming through the store sending things flying in his wake. Shampoo bottles flew off the shelves, staff tried to intercept him. And on he ran. Finally we gave up the chase because it was making him more frantic and I snuck up behind him, grabbed the pitchfork and let him wail.
The pharmacist finally came over and asked if there was some problem.
I couldn't help myself. I said "I have a toddler." Like, pull out some lollipops or leave me alone.
In order to get him out of the store I did what most parenting experts (and financial experts - Gail) would say was horrible. I bought him chips to shut him up.
I felt like a bad parent. Mike decreed our child is spoiled.
Maybe he was just hungry?
Yesterday Matthew and I met my mom on Bloor Street. Matthew was fine when he was doing what he wanted - playing with the Thomas table at Indigo, but when we took him to Starbucks (and gave him chocolate milk, yogurt and toys) he of course had a temper tantrum.
He then had a meltdown at the MAC store (which I never get to go to and would have enjoyed browsing in) and then I promplty had a meltdown and my mom walked us to the subway.
The terrible twos are in full swing. And I am not surviving them so well.
I'm grateful that I'm not a drinker. To clarify, I enjoy a cocktail or a beer, but I don't use it as a vice. I use it for fun. If I did use it as a vice I think I'd be drunk daily.
Instead I eat.
I am a sugaraholic. And, by 7pm tonight I had gone down to the convenience store (another financial no no) and bought a bag of skittles, a bag of Mike and Ike's and a bag of oreo cookies. I have made my way through the Mike and Ike's. The skittles are next.
And as I eat I keep wondering what am I doing wrong.
I'm trying here.
I love Matthew to death. But there are days, frequently it seems, where I am ready to lose it. And, sometimes do. Like, how on earth can a child get frustrated over so many things. He wants chocolate milk so I buy him chocolate milk. Then he has a meltdown because I suggest that he holds his chocolate milk.
So I hold it. Then he has a meltdown that Mommy is holding his chocolate milk.
And on and on it goes. I've had it.
And oh yeah - OUR COFFEE POT BROKE TODAY!!! And, we bought a replacement coffee pot and the carafe that came in it was broken too.
Life is just not pretty around here.
Thank God I bought those oreo cookies.