A New Day ...

I guess I left that chaos post up a little long because a lot of people were asking if I'm okay. That's not why I posted it, but it was nice to know that people care!
I'm not sure about anyone else, but one of the quirky things I do is keep quotes on hand that say wise stuff. The one I'm currently loving is a Judy Garland quote: "be a first rate version of who you are rather than a second rate version of someone else."
I love that.
How true is it?
So, going back to the whole chaos thing, sometimes I forget that if I just step back, be myself and stop worrying about what others think life is much easier.
Serioulsy, not always easy!
One of the things that was bugging me last week was this whole splitting with my trainer thing. He basically said that we had different priorities and that I wasn't losing enough weight. Fair enough, and let's be honest, I work hard but I eat too much.
But it made me feel like crap. Who wouldn't feel fat when their trainer dumps them for not losing weight? (oversensitive much). Granted, over a few drinks it is ridiculously funny. But still....
So today I went to the gym. It was a weird Monday since I was alone. And, since I know that I have to do a 5k race in June, and I maybe promised a friend we'd train for a half-marathon, I decided to screw the elliptical and go for the treadmill. Did I mention my trainer doesn't like the treadmill? (heh)
So, I ran. my. butt. off.
I didn't do 5 k. I ran for 20 minutes. And I sware the more I ran the better I felt about stuff. And the stronger I felt and the happier I felt.
And when I finished I was catching my breath, and one of the morning guys came over and said hi. As sociable as I am I really don't talk to gym people. It's 5 am. I'm not feeling social.
But, this guy came over, and asked why I wasn't training today. So, I said I was done.
Want to know what he said?
"We were just noticing how much stronger you look lately. You look great and toned, and I was thinking of working out with your trainer."
Nice.
Of course I told him the truth - that my trainer is great. We needed a break, but he's a nice guy, blahbity blah blah blah.
I meant it.
But, after months of training, getting up early to be at the gym, obsessing over diet and then blowing it, I realized that it's about me.
I can wake up early or sleep in.
I can be thin or fat.
I can have muscles or be weak.
But, who I am isn't going to change.
I'll admit that I've blown off the gym because I want to go for drink, and I know I won't get up. And I've scarfed down poutine. And, I eat too much candy.
But screw it. That's part of me.
I'll never be a model. I'll always fight the demon of wanting to be thin. I have to start training now to do a 5k in June, and a half marathon still seems like a completely impossible goal.
But really.  I refuse to be anyone else. 

Me drinking Princess Power Punch. Photo by my 7 year old niece, Kyla!