Monday, May 28, 2007

Just Not in the Mood

for the past few days I haven't felt like running. Or exercising. Nothing. Nada.
I really wanted to loaf on the couch and do nothing.
So I did.
Really. Did nothing. I didn't watch what I was eating. I didn't workout. I basically got lazy. I ate cake and candy and fast food.
I fell off my health bandwagon a couple of weeks ago and it's been so hard to get back on. I know this sounds like an excuse, but to be honest, since my Grandma died I've just felt so low. It's been hard to care about stuff. My nice fitness and eating healthy regime went out the window. Instead of exercising religously I just kind of went a couple of times - so I didn't feel guilty.
I hate this side of me. It's like when I hit a low I hit it and stay there, and it takes so much effort to get back to the part of me that really wants to be enthusiastic and focused and doing well.
Sometimes I think that no one notices. But they do. A friend of mine commented on it the other day - and said it's like I'm trying to shake my sadness and I can't. It's true. To me it's this feeling of loss and frustration and guilt that I can't get rid of.
And I take it out on myself.
Like, maybe if I eat a few more cookies and hate how I look I can distract myself from how I feel. I know. That's very Dr. Phil. And it's so annoying.
So tonight I went for a run.
Okay, I should back track a bit. I made a doctor's appointment for next Monday. And, then I realized that I committed to her that I would a)meet my goal of running 5k - which I did last week, b) focus on eating healthy c) drink lots of water - which I have been doing.
So, tonight I ran.
I was totally not in the mood. I couldn't decide if I wanted to go outside or to the gym. I didn't know whether I wanted shorts or pants. I basically didn't want to do it.
But, I did. Because I know next week I will be held accountable. And I hate not being committed. And, I also know, that if I were to tell my doctor she would say to me that the way to get through this, to not succumb is to get out there. To run through the sadness and guilt and frustration. To be outside. To appreciate life. And to not give in to the desire to do harm.
And, so I ran. And the first block sucked. But by the second block I realized that I was happy. That the run was lifting my spirits. And I felt totally energized - till the last 5 minutes when I ran my butt off and really could only focus on the mantra of "make it home. you can do it".
And I did make it home. And I can do it.
And this too shall pass.


kate said...

I think it is great that you pushed yourself through the sadness to reach a much better place. I too am finding that I have to change gears after a week of feeling numb and just going through the motions. Yesterday I got out my weights and finally felt like getting back to routine.Don't beat yourself up feeling a loss, but be proud that you did something positive for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, I so understand where you are.

Hopefully exercise will eventually be the answer to your darkness - that it will brighten you up and you will look forward to it.

I am a walker - could never really run because of bad knees, but I remember years ago when I would CRAVE my walks. I hope to get back there again.

I'm here for you!

With Love, Fat Girl said...

Hey you,

Apologies first off, when you tagged me in that meme I had no idea I was the beautiful friend! it'll be up in a few days.

Sometimes, you just need a break before the onset of better things. Your running will continue.

Yes, you look that young! I got carded less than a year ago at the gas station, of all places, for buying cigarettes. I was with a 32 year old who was also carded. Either we looked *fantastic* or the chick was drunk.

AndreAnna said...

I know I'm commenting on an old-ish post, but I came across your blog and wanted to say I am with you!! The last 4 years of my life have been a weight loss battle. Just when I thought I had won by losing 120 lbs, we got pregnant and I gained 80 back. Almost all of it is back off now (my daughter will be a year) but I know what it's like to wabe the white flag and say "fuck it, I want a donut."

Good for you for sticking with it and pushing through it. Being proud of yourself is one of the biggest motivators!!