I've been wanting to write a post about this for awhile, but it didn't all come together in my head until last night.
My entire life I have had the title drma queen. I don't know who first said it, quite possibly my mother when I was a toddler. But the name, or some version of it, has stuck with me. Last night I was out with some colleagues, and after a particularly dramatic week in the world of office gossip, I got given this name ... again.
It was well deserved. I admit.
But that's not exactly what this post is about.
This post is more about me, and how I realized this week that I live in the drama of life. I do. I relish it - and I push for it. And, then I go out and live in all the highs and lows that this drama brings. I wish I could figure out why.
On the one hand I would love it if I could be like so many people who are content - who go to work every day and take their coffee breaks at 10 am and their lunch at noon and go home at five. I envy that desire for the constant and the serene. But I don't have that desire.
And, I think I'm struggling with that right now.
I mean, how can you be a good mom and a good wife and also thrive on the drama of life?
I've often thought about the post-partum, pre-blogging days when I was going through post-partum depression - not my favourite topic. I have been really trying to figure out where that came from and why. If you do research, or talk to your doctor (which of course I did) you know there are many sources. It's chemical but it's also situational. For me it was a combo.
But, I wonder if a huge part of it is all about this thing about me - that I live between the highs and the lows.
Before I had Matt, I was so excited. And, then you have this baby and it really sucks. I'm sorry, but it does. And, something that I am learning about my personality is that if I build something up and get really excited about it, I create almost a euphoric high for myself. And then, if the situation doesn't pan out it is a disastrous low. Hence the title drama queen. But, also hence the ppd. I think I completely fell apart because I was expecting a high - and I think I truly thought in my deepest of thoughts, that I would be one of those aforementioned serenity seeking people who cherished the role of motherhood, the joys of the everyday, quiet walks with my baby in his stroller, etc etc. And, when that didn't happen ...
I fell to pieces.
And, I am still gathering those pieces two years later. So, as for my life as a drama queen ...
Well, I don't know.
Do I continue to live in the highs and the lows? I think so. Because I don't think that my personality will allow me to do anything but.
But, really, sometimes that really sucks.