Yoga: should I stay or should I go?

Just over a year ago I attended my first yoga class. I was so stressed that everything in my body hurt. I called my mom to see if she knew anywhere to get a massage on a Sunday night and she suggested yoga. I went to the world's most boring restorative class at a far away studio. But something felt right. So on my mom's suggestion I went to her studio, a place called Moksha Yoga.

It was hot. It was hard. But I felt better.

For one quiet, challenging hour I felt calm. When the class was over my mom asked me what I thought. The only thing that came to mind was that if I ever had to face torture I'd be somewhat more prepared. I hated the heat and the non-stop sweating and how standing still  in poses was so brutally hard.

And yet, I showed up the next day. And the next. And those days turned into an intro month. And that month turned into a one- year membership.
That membership ends in 4 days. And now I'm debating what I want to do. Should I continue (at the cost of about $99 per month) or should I look at joining gyms? In fairness I've been saving, and thanks to my lack of Starbucks purchases I've budgeted for it.
But, it's still expensive.

My year of yoga has been intense. I learned a lot about yoga, about breath and movement. More importantly I learned about myself. I learned that I need to be kind to myself. I learned that to love others I need to love myself. I learned I can do far more than I would have thought I could, and that sometimes it's okay to give less than everything I have.
I've learned calm. I've learned stillness. I've learned to leave everything outside of the yoga room and take an hour completely for myself.

I've lived it. Not every second or every class. I didn't become a yogi like some of my teachers. But somehow in the last year I've become more me. 

I found myself on the mat when things were tough. I stared running and never stopped yoga because somehow it made my unattainable dream of running a half marathon realistic. 

And now my year is over. I don't have a bonus. And the price seems high. And so I'm debating whether or not to take on monthly payments. 

So ... what the heck do I do?

How Failing a Challenge was my Success

I may have mentioned that I started yoga?
About a month ago the studio where I practice at issued a challenge called the moon challenge. It was pretty simple in theory. Attend 25 classes in 30 days. There's a chance of winning a prize at the end (a one-year membership), but the real idea behind it was to really get into your own practice and commit to it.
I love a challenge. I loved that they had stars for every day you go. I loved the idea of it. I was super into this whole new yoga experience, and the timing could not have been more perfect. In typical Laural fashion I signed up, committed to it and I was ready.
And then.
A physical issue that has been plaguing me for awhile became a little bit more serious. And after several doctors appointments, tests, etc., I found out I needed surgery. And, despite explaining the fact I was in a yoga challenge my doctor felt that pushing back surgery to put stars on a chart ... probably wasn't my best option.
I respect that.
But still.
Do you know what I usually do when I know my plan don't work out? I self destruct.
I can't tell you how many times I've gone on a diet, had a bad week, and promptly gone to a buffet and said "I can't do it anyway, I may as well eat."
Or decided that I can't run a 10k so I'm not doing a 5k.
Or tried to get something I really wanted. And quit completely.
And when I started calculating the days till surgery, and trying to take it easy before, and knowing that I probably would not be at a class for a few days. Well, I felt like a complete failure. I had this challenge. It wasn't about winning. It was about completing and getting into my practice. And being part of something I loved. And not giving up.
Defeated.
And, as much as I was trying to be cool about it and look for the miracles and understand and everything else. I was not happy. And I was afraid that if I didn't do the challenge then I'd give up. And this wasn't something I was willing to give up on.
In fact. I wasn't ready to give up on me. Or give up something that I loved.
So I kept going. When I could. As I could.
At first I tried doing a couple classes a day. I figured if I doubled up then I could hit the number. Except after a couple days of that I realized it wasn't fun. It was hard and exhausting and I was going because I had to. Not because I wanted to.
And then surgery happened. And it was harder than I thought. And recovery wasn't easy. I'm okay. But, for a couple days there, success was keeping my eyes open during a movie. I wasn't even ready to pack my yoga bag. I couldn't go.
So I waited.
And then on Tuesday night I went to the class I love. The live music class. My body was better. But not perfect. And I knew I had to take it easy.
One of the things the teacher said in that class was that her challenge was to listen to our bodies. Take breaks. And stay in a resting pose all night if that is what we needed.
I think I did about half the class. I didn't push any of my poses. I didn't attempt anything I was afraid of. And as people were working hard all around me I just kind of stopped. And let myself be present where I was.
That. That was a million times more challenging than any plank series a teacher can throw at me. (That's not a challenge!).
Just Be.
And tonight I will go back.
And I will continue to go back.
In a sense I failed the challenge. And I'm sad about that. I wanted to get all those stars. But, in my own way I succeeded. Because I know that for me the challenge was accepting my limits, being okay with them, giving myself a break. And pushing forward.
Bring on the next challenge. I'm ready - for whatever lessons it may bring with it.

 Gold Star for me, anyway!

Mindful

Sometimes when you're figuring things out in life - for better or for worse - you hear things repeated over and over.
There are a couple I keep hearing: set and intention and be mindful.
I like both - and I do both. But, lately I've been thinking about the mindful one.
I'll go as far as to say this - I think hearing the phrase "be mindful" is one of the best pieces of advice I've heard in a long time. In fact, it's probably the best advice for me.
Here's the thing. I'm an all in kind of person. We all know this. Being that kind of person can work really well for me. Throw me a hard project I'll be completely invested in it. But throw me a life challenge? This can be a blessing and a curse.
The past couple of months has been about health. Yes. I did really well losing weight last year, but now what. I started thinking that maybe some of the choices I made to lose weight didn't exactly contribute to being the healthiest person ever. For instance, it's fantastic to figure out that a 2pm coffee prevents me from a 2pm cupcake. However ... maybe I should be considering an herbal tea. Right?
So, being mindful to me is being aware. Am I going to beat myself up for having more caffeine? Nope. But, I'll be aware. Will I have an extra glass of wine or drink a vodka soda? Of course. But, instead of just doing it, I'm going to throw a little more thought toward my action.
Lately the thing I'm being really mindful of is food. I read the book Crazy Sexy Diet. I'm not going vegan (read: trying to not go overboard here) but really the more I read, the more attention I'm putting on my food.
Mindful.
And also a little tired.

and then ...

so after weeks of feeling blissy ... i guess there is a crash
and then ...
you question your work
you feel like your efforts won't cut it
you eat junk
and you feel like you made 3 steps forward and 3 giant leaps back.

or you do everything you can to be a friend, and throw your whole freaking heart into something you think is special ... and you are very clearly told you shouldn't have.

and then what?

last year when i was losing weight I made a conscious choice that was awesome. my choice was that i wasn't just going to lose weight - eat healthy - weigh myself every week. My choice was that whether my weight went up or down, whether i had a good week or a bad week, i'd pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going.

And, hey. it worked. because i learned that a bad minute, hour, day or week didn't mean failure. it meant an opportunity to get up. regroup. and do better.

right now that's where i'm at.

I've done so well on this whole yoga, bliss, positivity thing. I've been cheerful and truly happy. today i lost it. it's hard because i didn't make a plan to be happier, it just started happening. so i didn't have a fall back for a bad day.

My plan? get my ass on the mat. Breathe in. breathe out. And start over.

I'm counting the days till music yoga. until then i figure everything will work out.

(I'm just trying so hard)

Avoiding Collision

I've had my license now for a little over 10 years. Getting my license was not an easy task for me. I went through 4 driving instructors and 5 failed tests before I passed. There were certainly drawbacks to this, but one of the distinct advantages was that I did a lot of driver training, and learned a lot of practical knowledge.
One thing that came up often was what to do to avoid a collision. Specifically, look where you want to go, not at the thing you are trying to avoid. That advice has worked well as I'm happy to say I've never really been in an accident (I have tapped my bumper on a parked car and dented my door on a cement post. Both times ... looking at what I was about to hit).
This lesson was a reality this week when I slid through the train parking lot this week, narrowly avoiding another driver, and somehow managing to cleanly park between two cars safely, though shaken.
What did I do? Well, prayed, held my breath, and looked ahead to the space I wanted to be in, rather than the cars on either side.
I hopped out of my car and was surprised when another commuter came over to say "good job". He was amazed that I'd pulled that off. Frankly, so was I.
The next night I went to yoga class. It was not an easy class. And, it was a class that had a lot of balance and strength poses. (or maybe they are the same. I'm not totally sure)
Midway through a pose I was struggling. I was looking in the mirror, just like the teacher instructed, except every time I looked at my reflection to balance, I would fall out of it. I was frustrated and annoyed, and sweaty, and kind of getting angry that he was making us hold something for so long.
The longer I stood and wobbled the more I was looking at myself. My shorts were too short and made my thighs look chubby. My upper body was fat not strong. My cheeks were red and I looked terrible with all my makeup washed off. The messy bun on my head was less yoga style and more disheveled. And the harder I tried the more impossible it seemed.
There was no inner peace and balance. No awesome breathe in breathe out release. Nothing. In fact, in the time we were holding it (a minute? two? twenty? ) I had pretty much decided that I needed to rethink this whole yoga thing.
Yep. I do make snap decisions.
Especially when I'm hating myself.
And then the teacher came over, helped me back to the proper position and said "look in the mirror and focus on your strength and beauty."
And he stood there, helping me find my balance.
I looked at myself again. For a moment I looked past the stuff I hate. I rooted my foot, I straightened my shoulders, and I looked at the strength in my eyes and my body. And then I let go of the body resentment. Not forever. But for that moment.
And I realized that this was no different than avoiding collisions. Look where you want to go, not at what you want to avoid.
I may never hit my beauty ideal. I'll never have a dancers thin limbs or the ability to tie my hair into a perfect messy bun. But I liked seeing that strength. For a moment I believed fully that I was strong and beautiful and capable.
So I kept going. I kept breathing. I smiled. I relaxed. And I made it through not only those poses but the entire plank series.
And I left realizing that every day I need to remember to focus on the good. Because although there are a million things I can run into on the collision course of life, I will look ahead at where I want to be. And hopefully that's exactly where I will end up.

Blissy

"Perception is a mirror, not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind reflected outward."

 

If you've been following me on twitter (@lauraldawn) you are probably aware that I've had a bit of a mindset change, and I've been spending my evenings sweating my toxins out on a yoga mat in a hot yoga studio.

Like all things Laural, I've managed to skip the moderation concept and throw myself all in. This is a pretty fundamental truth of mine - there's no halfway with me. When it comes to projects, ideas, thoughts or emotions I love, or think I will love, I just jump right in. I'm seeing this right now in my life - I'm embracing this concept of wholeness and connecting with love and light and I'm loving the blissy feeling that has started to envelope me these past couple of  weeks.

And,  I want to talk about it, write about it, tweet about it and most of all experience it, with no apologies for throwing myself completely into it.

However. I don't want to make this a yoga blog. So, I'm not going to write about this more than once a week. Or so. You know, if enlightenment hits no promises. But I will try.

So, how did I get here and what's going on? 

My decision to try out hot yoga was on the surface pretty random. My mom has done it for years, and has always offered me a free guest pass to get started. But, with January comes promotions, and I saw a sign for an unlimited month for $40, and driving past the sign every day spoke to me. Combine that with the fact that I've been feeling just ick since before Christmas, I was feeling completely uninspired to run, and I really just needed to deal with some stress in a positive way, I signed myself up for the month, and decided 30 days is a good place to start. I promised myself I could give it 30 days to make a decision about continuing. Just be. That is all.

And, then I went to the bookstore to read up on yoga and I saw the book "Spirit Junkie" and picked it up instead of a book on the history of yoga. And I've been reading and practicing and feeling altogether  well ... BLISSY.

So, all in. But with a twist. I'm letting all this energy and love and happiness wash over me. But, I'm not setting any goals. For once I'm not setting a timeline to accomplish something (eg. a 5k in under 30 min). I'm not forcing myself to commit to a year of daily practice. Instead I'm trying something new. I'm being patient. I'm letting the experience lead me. Rather than committing to being able to twist myself into a difficult pose by March, I'm committing to staying at this beginner level as long as necessary - and reserving judgement of myself. I'm looking inward more. Loving myself more. And letting go of a lot of self judgement.

And this ... this is what I'm remembering.

Perception is a mirror, not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind reflected outward.