Chaos

Usually I feel like my life is somewhat balanced.
My kids are far enough apart that I can enjoy different stages in their lives.
I have a husband who helps a lot.
We have a nanny which means that a whole lot of weight is lifted off of our shoulders.
And I work full time.
Usually it is all fine.
Usually I balance getting up to go to the gym, coming home and getting myself fed and dressed and the kids up, chatting with the nanny, commuting to work, working all day, taking the train home, doing dinner, getting the kids to bed and spending half an hour or so watching tv.
I usually manage it with a smile on my face.
Sometimes I take a night off to go for drinks with friends or coffee with my sister. I spend time with friends and I do things for myself like get my hair done.
But this weekend I hit a wall.
My kids, who I love dearly, were driving me insane. My husband couldn't do anything right.
I'm stressing about Christmas. I'm stressing about work. I'm stressing about money. I'm stressing about an upcoming Disney trip. I'm stressing about what has to be done to get to Christmas. I'm stressed because I haven't given any thought to Christmas cards. I used to mail my Christmas cards, pictures and letter on November 1. Seriously. I don't even think I'm doing a Christmas letter this year. Will anyone care? Does that mean I need to do extra-long notes on my cards because I don't want to do that either.
I'm stressed because although we got awesome pictures of the 4 cousins this year, I don't have any pictures with Matt and Chloe and I should really do that.
And I've totally hit a wall. TOTALLY.
I'm at that point where I'm so busy being stressed that I'm not getting anything done. I assign myself so many tasks that I don't know where to start. And so I'm getting nowhere. Except I'm fighting with my family, and I may as well not even bother to go to the gym because I'm totally gaining weight. Really, I gained 2 lbs last week. I know it's cause I'm eating crappy. Don't get me started on my trainer who quit on me cuz my heart isn't in it. And he says I haven't made the connection to eating right.
Seriously.
It's like he thinks he's Jillian from Biggest Loser.
I have no balance with this crazy life I'm living. Right now anyway.

When I have balance I'm happy.
I feel like all the decisions we have made are the right ones.
I love my family more than life itself. But seriously.

When I tried to be a good mom and end the evening on a good note by baking with the kids even that didn't work. I freaked at Matt for grabbing a handful of muffin batter and filling his mouth with it (gross ... and then Chloe tried to do that). I got annoyed at Chloe for spilling a bag of raisins. And honestly, I think Mike is cowering in fear when I look in his direction.
And, I know this isn't what Christmas is about.
I know I should be watching the Santa Claus parade with my kids and sipping hot chocolate and trusting that everything will work out.
But, I'm not there yet.
And, I don't really know how to get there.