So Much Miscellaneous Stuff

It seems like so much has been going on lately that I've missed out on tons of stuff and also haven't really posted on tons of stuff.
Work has been pretty crazy lately. My closest colleague went on vacation and in those 2 weeks I really really missed her and realized just how much stuff she does behind the scenes. Another one of our colleagues, also and E.A. went on vacation for a month (seriously, a month!) and so we've been filling in for her, and between all of that, some crazy stuff going on in the office and, well, just general life I realized that I hadn't even seen people who work in the same building as me in, like, ages.
I sent an e-mail to someone who works a few floors above me - and he was like "are you even working here?" oops. Okay, but this was the same person who called me a Drama Queen - so whatever. He needed some isolation!!!
Anyway, here it goes.
So, first my brush with celebrity.
Guess who was filiming outside my office yesterday? Donnie Wahlberg. Yep. Cool. I know. Even if you weren't a big new kids fan chances are you liked Sixth Sense. Plus, who doesn't like celebrities.
I realized who it was when I was walking across the street with my shopping buddy. we had just stopped at timmies for a coffee (I had 2 - one for me, one for Beth). When I saw Donnie I promptly handed over my coffees to our new VP - and tried to get an autograph. I wasn't allowed, but whatever.
Note to self - before throwing cups of coffee at your new boss (well, arms length boss) make sure that he knows you well enough to respect that sometimes you just need to be silly. Luckily he has 3 kids, knows that this was a moment of craziness, and actually sent me a follow up e-mail laughing about the whole thing.
Whew.
And, speaking of celebrities, I watched Entertainment Tonight this week. No biggie, usually, except that I realized I was totally out of the celebrity gossip loop. Who knew Robin Williams was in rehab or that Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro had split up? I'm still back in the land of Pam Anderson getting married!!! What is happening? Have there been any Suri sightings? I need to watch more.
But, in other exciting me news ...
This morning I discovered that I have lost 25 pounds. Now, since I'm doing weight watchers and I am technically supposed to weigh myself once a week (not once every 3 hours) it won't count till Monday, but still! I'm pretty excited by that. Though I'm also really just hitting that point of not being so enthusiastic about counting points. Tomorrow I will start again. I have a ways to go still.

Simon Says ...

Last night we discovered that the geniuses in our lives (aka the daycare teachers) have taught Matty a very new and effective game.
SIMON SAYS!
Now we don't play it exactly as it is supposed to go. Matthew doesn't quite understand that if you say "Simon says touch your toes" that you touch your toes, but if you just say "Touch your toes" you don't do it cause Simon didn't say it. But, whatever.
Who cares?
We have found a new way to manipulate our child without the dreaded use of the word no which always sends him into a temper tantrum. (Note that we do say no frequently, but try to use other words when possible so No has a bigger impact).
Last night he hopped up on the coffee table, threw his hands out in front of him (a la 'jazz fingers' in the movie Bring it On, which by the way, I love) and shouted "Sirens".
Mike and I looked at each other perplexed and both said "Sirens??"
Then Matty says "Sirens - touch your head" and touched his head, delighted by his new game.
And then suddenly we got it. duh. Simon Says.
We looked at each other and wondered how much magic this new game would hold.
So we played along. We did things like:
"Simon says Dance" and he danced.
"Simon says Touch your nose" and he touched his nose.
And then Mike said "Simon says take your shoes off". Matthew jumped off the table and took off his shoes.
This worked for the entire bedtime routine.
It was amazing.
And, in 15 minutes he was in bed.

Pearl Jam or Amy Grant??

It turns out that Matty has an eclectic taste in music.
Truthfully, Mike and I have very differing tastes in music, so we both have tried to educate Matt in the music we like. I'm more of a top 40, sing along to the radio, easy listening kind of girl. Well, kind of. I'm all over the map. The very first mix cd I created included Britney, Ozzy, Pink, Spice Girls and Biff Naked.
Mike's tastes run from Pink Floyd to ABBA to Beethoven.
And, considering that we were both educated in classical music, you never know what taste Matt will develop.
Let's just say it's bizarre.
Here's the thing. Matthew has a tape player, and when I was cleaning up one day I discovered an Amy Grant tape (circa 1987). Since it was that or the Wiggles, and I thought I would scream if I heard the Wiggles one more time, I decided to put it on.
Well ...
Matthew cannot sleep without Amy Grant. I walk around all evening while Matt is drifting off singing a few of the Christian Rock classics. I think this is good. I like the message, and I really did love that tape when I was in grade 6. (I went to Christian school - Amy Grant was the coolest!) It could be worse.
The funny thing about this tape is that it is Amy Grant Unplugged. Yep. I know that's funny. I can see some people who are reading this rolling on the floor by now. But, anyway, all the people in the tape clap and cheer (the audience) and so Matt cheers right along with them.
It's really cute.
But, then this weekend Mike got the new Pink Floyd DVD. He was very excited about this and insisted that we watch it.
Wonderchild that Matthew is, he has decided that these "movies" are better than TV. He sits with Mike just watching the light show and asking about the singers. It is truly truly bizarre.
And now we are wondering what exactly he will listen to as he gets older.
Hmmmm ....
Does a child's musical taste develop at the age of 2? What will he rebel and listen to?
I don't know.

Long weekend fun!

This long weekend rocked!
I think we all were ready for a break - and we actually finally had one.
well, sort of.
We were taping for the show on Saturday. But, given that it was the Saturday of a long weekend that started a one-week hiatus for the production, everyone was really quick. There were no extra takes, we got our challenge quickly, and within a couple of hours we were done. In fact, we were done about an hour before Mike's parents were done babysitting, so we took a nap and enjoyed the bliss that comes from a child free condo on a Saturday afternoon.
And then yesterday we didn't do too much. Of course we worked on one of our challenges (it is a tough one), and then in the middle of the day Mike's friend Zac came for a visit. It was just an impromtu cup of coffee, but it was nice to catch up, to laugh and just have a nice visit. Honestly, it's really nice to have people just drop by unexpectedly. And, it was just such a visit.
And, then today we decided to take Matty to Sherwood Park.
We haven't been there since the days of being dog owners (our dog, Jack, now happily resides with my in-laws in Peterborough where he is happier, better behaved and has an acre of yard to run in).
Sherwood is a leash free dog park, but it also has a playground and a water park. Matt was totally in his element with all the kids and dogs and water. It was fantastic. We spent a couple of hours just being outside, having fun and relaxing. And, there were so many highlights.
It was pretty cool to watch Matt interacting with other kids. He is so social and happy and will talk to pretty much any kid. And, the other neat thing was watching him with the animals. Right now we are really not ready to have a dog. Our cat is fine, but having a dog was overwhelming for us. But, someday we will. And, I loved seeing how comfortable he was around the dogs. He knows to put his hand out and let the dogs come to him. He's learned not to pull the dogs' tails and all of that. So it was pretty cute just watching him being a kid, playing and having a full day of Mommy and Daddy before going to daycare tomorrow.
I LOVE LONG WEEKENDS!!!

Friends

So, yesterday I was reading Rebecca's blog and she was talking about friends. In specific, she was talking about a thank you list for her book, but what it came down to was that it was a post on friendship.
And, it got me thinking - a lot.
It got me thinking about friends, how I define a friend, and how, perhaps others define me as a friend.
A lot of blogs lately discuss this whole issue of friendships when you become a mother (Heather wrote a good one, and I will figure out the linking thing soon).
But, really I got thinking just about the whole friends thing.
It's a weird thing to reflect on.
For me friends fall into several categories. There are the immediate friends - the ones you see every day. And, by this I am not referring to the acquaintances that you bump into or say hi to on the elevator. If that were the case I'd have about 200 friends at work alone.
But, really, at work, I consider myself to have only a few friends. Chances are, if you are reading this (or even better have me in your favourites, DD!) then I consider you a friend. And, work friends are tough because you see work people ALL the time. So, to become a true friend it takes time. Do you trust that person to not gossip about you - or at least not in a bad way? Do you like that person enough to go for coffee and lunch? If you felt like you were so frustrated by work that you need to confide in someone or quit can you talk to that person? Then, yep, that person is a friend, and I consider myself pretty lucky to have some good friends, who I happen to work with. And, I hope they think of me in the same way.
But, then there are the murky friendship waters that I don't really want to wade into.
For instance, if I haven't spoken to someone in years are they still my friend? I don't know. I hope so.
My best friend growing up still stays in touch. We never see each other. She lives on the other side of the country, and it's been about 15 years since we actually hung out in person and talked. Wedding gifts were sent across the country. We both shared some tears reading e-mails about post-partum depression (we both suffered it, about a year apart since my son is a year older thna her son). As we have gotten older we have changed. And, we are really different. Do I think that we would be close if we met again? I don't know. But, deep down I still consider her my bestest friend in the world.
And, then there are the friends that I just don't see enough of, or call enough, or write enough. Like, Susie. She was my maid of honour. She is Matt's godmother. She was the only person (other than Mike and the 6 million doctors, midwives and nurses) I allowed in while giving birth. And, she's off following her dreams as a midwife in Windsor. And, I haven't once hopped in my car and driven out to see her. Why? I don't know. But, I love her, and she stills ranks up there on my friends list.
And, other friends too are in that category. Are we growing apart? Kind of. I don't call them for everything. We don't share all of our heartbreaks anymore. When we get together we don't just automatically know where to start the conversation. It's a little rocky at first. But, then we do get talking and it is a ton of fun. It just takes time.
I still see a group of highschool friends - sometimes we get together monthly, sometimes not for a couple of years. Some of my mommy friends from mat leave I just don't have time to see, but I still miss and still consider them friends.
Am I saying I'm just way too popular for my own good? Yep. That's it. That must be it. I just have way too many friends!!!!
I'm kidding of course.
But, in my books, if you're my friend, you're my friend. Period. It may be minutes or it may be years. But, I really do believe that unless we've had some falling out there's always hope.
I guess the best way it was ever described to me was by a friend in 9th grade. She said that friends are like boyfriends. At first everything is hot and heavy. You want to spend all your time with that person. And, then you get used to each other. Some people break up and others become the couple that are together all through highschool.
And, it's true.
So, to my current hot and heavy friends, YOU ROCK! And, if we're not so hot and heavy right now, you still rock. I just need to pick up the phone one of these days to call you and let you know :)
But the nice thing about friendships as opposed to relationships is that you can have more than one friend at once and no one's feelings will be hurt.
Oh - and about that friend from grade 9 -- we did have a falling out and we never speak anymore. And, lest you think she is super intelligent from that one piece of wisdom her other favourite saying was "you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends under the couch."
Yep. Whatever!
Happy long weekend.

Hurry hurry get the firetucks - ding ding ding ding ding!

Last night Mike and I were again doing more taping for this show I keep talking about. It's actually becoming fun now that we're not terrified of the camera, we are used to people in our home and we feel like there is actually a point to what we are doing.
And, the other perk of this is that it requires us to do some taping minus Matty. And my sister has been kind enough to host a couple of sleepovers for Matthew on nights that we need to be in Toronto.
Last night was such a night.
When everyone left, Mike and I went on a late evening date which was pretty fun. We had pizza at 9:30! We just went to this little pizza place we love, and had a slice and chatted. Really, we rarely do this, we were starving, and it was fun. And, I even stayed up past my normal bed time!!!
Why?
Because Mike was going to drive me to work the next day which meant I got to sleep in till 6:30. In my world of 5:30 am alarms, sleeping in is a big deal. (as it is for everyone).
And then it happened.
At 5 am the fire alarm went off!!!
Of course. Why wouldn't a fire alarm go off when we get a chance to cuddle up and sleep an extra hour?
It's not that I mind fire alarms that much. In the middle of the day they are cool - Matthew would have been thrilled to see the truck, and being the amazing mom I am I truly would have made myself semi decent to bring my toddler to see the fire truck, but he wasn't there!!! Of all days.
But, I did find myself drawn to the windows to see the firetruck regardless.
I have no idea why the alarm went off.
My guess is that it was the humidity. When I was in highschool I was a waitress at a seniors residence. The alarms went off fairly frequently in the summer - and they always said it was due to the high humidity.
Funny how those alarms were way more thrilling than these alarms.
At the condo when the alarm goes off I inevitably go running to the closet to get decent clothes on (they never go off when I look decent), try to find the cat carrier to pack up Mojo if we have to leave, and make Matty a bottle or get a snack.
In high school it was a little different. All of the girls would run to the bathroom to make sure we looked decent, put on lipstick, and look as caring as we possibly could while waiting to run out and offer the firefighters cookies. Someone would always end up asking some sort of question to get them to stick around and eat the cookies. It was a wonderful thing.
This morning - not so much. It did, however, afford Mike and I the time to share a cup of coffee before heading off to work. So, in the end, it was worth it.
PS - that subject line is the title of my friend Salina's favourite song!!!

Different babysitter - Day 1

Yesterday was day one of our teenage babysitter.
Why didn't I do this earlier? Seriously, after one day Mike and I decided that we most certainly are going to use babysitters more often. Why?
Okay - first of all, and most importantly, Matthew was happy.
Not that we knew that when we came home because he was asleep. He was curled up comfortably on the couch, sound asleep, listening to MuchMusic. I suppose some people may not enjoy the MuchMusic background, but seriously, in raising a child who is cool and fits in music appreciation is key, and quite honestly all he ever watches with us is Treehouse. Is it possible that she changed the channel after he fell asleep? Perhaps. But, I really get the impression that he was happy to watch her shows. (I shall now attempt to tell him we are watching "Erin's show" and turn on Much and see if that works.)
The other funny thing - he became addicted to the word "awesome" - he even had the tone of the word down. Adorable.
So, we made him corn last night and he sat eating it and said "Yummy corn is AWESOME".
Hilarious. He then proceeded to tell us everything else that was awesome.
And, on top of the fact that he was entertained, exhausted and saying new words, our house was clean! Seriously, she made his lunch and then she cleaned the whole kitchen and ran the dishwasher and then put everything away.
We were shocked.
I left her a note today to say how Matt was great and give her some cash for ice cream or something (I sort of forgot yesterday to do that - oops). I debated mentioning that there was no need to do dishes. But I thought better of it. I also thought better of making some helpful suggestions like laundry, vaccuuming ... I'm kidding of course.
Truthfully, I spent a few summers as a babysitter. It was pretty fun - and a lot of work. And, I usually did try to keep the house clean, do the dishes, etc. etc. But, I forgot about all of that - and I forgot how wonderful it is to have someone help with all of that.
It's really too bad I love daycare so much because I could totally go for having a nanny who kept the house kind of clean, ran the dishwasher, started dinner. My life would be so much easier.

Just for the week ... I want to be Matty!

I've decided that as of this morning I want my son's life this week.
I know you think I'm kidding, but I'm not.
Since the daycare is closed we are in Oakville, and this is the week that Matthew is spending with my parents' teenage neighbour. Last night she and her mom came over to chat, to ask some questions about Matt's schedule, and to make sure that certain things were okay.
The conversation was a little along the lines of this.
Babysitter: Does Matty nap?
Laural: Only if he feels like it. If you think he needs a nap and he'll sleep, sure. Maybe he'll just want to hang out with a bottle and watch tv and that's cool. Up to you. (he hasn't really been napping consistently, why force it)
Babysitter: What does he eat
Laural: We have tons of stuff here - there's Kraft Dinner, etc that he can eat. He may only want fruit or chips. If you're happy and he's happy we're happy. So, whatever. If you want to eat at your house, he'll eat whatever.
Babysitter's mom: Can we have the car seat and take him swimming
Laural: Yes, here's his life jacket and swim diapers. Have fun.

Seriously, this week it's a week of fun. Not only does Matty love the people who are watching him (officially the teenager, but her mom is involved, and her 10 year old sister actually plays with him. Like, she takes him down slides, does underdoggies, etc.) but he's doing tons of fun stuff. Since the babysitter is next door he gets to sleep in. We bought all the yummy food he likes, he gets to go places in a van (which to him is incredibly exciting).
Wow.
And, to think that I was worried about this week. Really, I just want to be him.

Happy 30th Becky!

Yesterday I had a semi-surprise birthday party for me sister.
For thse who don't know her, she is my complete opposite. We are 20 months apart, and as different as you could imagine. Where I am chubby, dark haired and very talkative, my sister is skinny, has curly red hair and is reserved.
So, when planning a birthday for her I had to do the complete opposite of what I would want, while still making sure that it was something that had my signature on it.
So ...
Yesterday I invited her 4 closest friends over and we had an in-home spa pedicure party.
It was a ton of fun.
What I told her was that there was nothing to be stressed about, to wear jeans, be relaxed and look forward to a good day. I didn't tell her who I was inviting, so when she came in she was surprised by who was there. It had taken a bit of advance planning because everyone there has kids under the age of 4 (Kyla, Becky's daughter is the oldest and she just turned 4), and we all had to get our husbands to babysit on a Saturday.
But, we pulled it off.
And, for just over 4 hours we sat around sipping coffee, eating junk food and being pampered. It was a pretty fun way to welcome in the next decade of my sister's life.
Plus, we all kind of needed it. I really think there's nothing better than sitting with a group of friends and just chatting about what's going on in life - to share the highlights and the lowlights, to get advice and share advice. We talked about everything from biting to husbands to kids to movies.
As far as the actual pedicure thing. That, too, is a cool story. The woman who arranged it all has an 18 month old, and she runs this business out of her home because she wants to spend more time with her daughter. I found her through a web site about mom businesses, and to me it seemed perfect to get someone who also was a mom. You know - my issue - support other moms as much as possible.
Not only was she really cool and friendly, but she also added to the conversation. Actually, I will put a link to her site because she was good, and she had great prices and really nice - I would totally use her again.
Happy birthday Becky!

The Ups and Downs

This month has been, by far, one of the craziest on record for me. At least one of the craziest since having Matt - where I have tried to be relatively stable, sane and consistent.
But, we knew that this month would bring sheer insanity to our lives, and it truly has.
A rundown of these past 4 weeks are:
Week 1) Family trip to Vermont
Week 2) Laural away for work
Week 3) Daycare closed, living with Grandma and Grandpa in Oakville while simoultaneously taping a television show in Toronto (current week)
Week 4) Daycare still closed, living at Grandma and Grandpa's house while they are on vacation and Matt is being taken care of by a babysitter, more show taping, etc.
Add to this that we are trying to live on a cash budget (don't get me started) and we are trying to not fight, and make it to work on time every day.
It's a little crazy.
But, that's not what this is about.
This is about my monkey. Because he is in the middle of the upheaval. And, he is doing great. Last night Mike said to me that he wishes he could be as strong as our two-year old. And, he's right.
While we are stressing about everything, Matthew just takes things a day at a time. His time with Grandpa has been an adventure. Together they have built a set of steps in the backyard (Matt truly helped by handing my dad nails and stuff), going to playgrounds, having ice cream, etc. He's stayed with a friend of the family, with my sister and with my parents.
And throughout it all he's been happy and smiling and excited to tell us about his day. And, in the last few weeks he has started talking a lot more. Like, he can express himself in full sentences, and he jokes about stuff. It's hilarious.
And then there was last night. He and I went to bed at the same time - 9:30. Mike had been lying down with him and then I got myself ready and came to join them. We all laid there quietly, listening to Matt's tape. And, then Matt reached over, gave me a big hug and patted me on the back. It was a moment to cherish.
I love that child.

The Great Daycare Debate

Recently I was talking with someone about daycare.
To me it's a bit of a ridiculous issue. The bottom line is that if you work your child needs to be taken care of. This is true until roughly the age of maybe 11 or 12. (maybe older). And, so the bottom line is that you have to have someone watch your child.
From what I understand there are a few options:
1) Your child goes to a daycare centre (public or private)
2) Your child goes to a home daycare
3) You have a nanny
4) Your child is with a family member
In some cases the decision is clear cut. Most of the people I know have a very strong opinion one way or another, or they are forced into a decision based on finances.
For Mike and I the choice was a daycare centre. We researched all of the options, went to see the various options and then made a choice. For us the choice was not so much of a financial one as it was a gut instinct.
I guess for me it boiled down to the fact that I felt, and still feel, that Matthew is a really high maintenance child. He needs constant entertainment and activity. After a day alone with him I am honestly tired. To me it was clear that he needed to be in a social setting and I truthfully wondered if one person could handle his energy day in and day out.
So I chose daycare. First he went to a privately run one (LOVED it - I still regularly e-mail them) and then when our situation changed he went to a municipal run daycare - love it too.
But, the other day I was speaking to someone who asked me about my choice.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't offended, but I was annoyed. The gist of the conversation was that the daycare centres are for those of us who don't make enough of an income to hire a good nanny. Really.
I have to say I was taken aback by that.
I know lots of kids who had nannies. I grew up in private school and trust me, I had friends whose nannies picked them up every day, took us places, and all sorts of stuff. Some were nice, some were mean. Some were just okay. But, I never thought of it as a priviledge of the rich. It was just a lifestyle.
But, to even insinuate that I made a choice for my child based on finances? Not cool.
I mean, really.
I would pretty much do whatever I need to in order for Matty to be a happy well adjusted child. If it meant going into debt (well, further who am I kidding), or anything I'd do it. But, I'm happy with my choice. And, I think it is right. Financial issues or not.
Seriously, make decisions, choose what is best for your family. But, don't judge it's stupid. If you're happy with your nanny be glad that my kid goes to daycare because it means I won't steal your nanny!!!!

Where's the Line??

The other day Mike and I were sitting in a restaurant, on our own, enjoying a dinner alone. We don't do this often, and when we get the chance we like to enjoy it, and prefer not to be sitting around kids.
But, this particular evening we were. One family with kids was fine - nice, well behaved, etc. The other was not so nice.
It was a large group of adults (6) and one little boy, about Matty's age.
I don't know what this group was thinking. First of all, it was late, like 8:30 and he was tired. Like, the kid was cranky, but the parents/friends just kept socializing. Okay - I get that. But, then they started doing to most annoying thing - they kept doing some weird surprise thing that made him scream.
It wasn't a cute laugh he was emitting. It was a stupid annoying shrieking scream that made them all laugh and then he would laugh and do it again.
Here's the thing.
My son is not a perfect angel, and sadly when he walks into a restaurant he doesn't suddenly become one. But, we always encourage good behaviour. If he starts having a meltdown/temper tantrum we do something about it - whether it's try to give him crayons, take him away from the table or sing a song.
But we would never, ever encourage him to do something so annoying and stupid that annoys an entire restaurant.
Don't get me wrong. I have a ton of sympathy for parents who are trying. I am not the person who stares other patrons down or gives advice (I have shared toys, but in a friendly way). But for parents like that I have to say something.
I mean, grow up. What are you thinking? Not only is your kid REALLY annoying - you are giving other parents a bad name. And you are making your kid look like a total brat.
In the end my stares did nothing. Mike gave 0ne menacing glare and the mom shut the kid up.
Really!

Home Sweet Home

I'm home ... at last.
It's been a long week. It was fun, I saw a lot of incredible things, I spent a lot of time with people I wouldn't normally have spent time with. And, I went to places that I know I would never have and probably never will again.
It was wonderful (and tiring) and I am so glad to be home.
The coolest moment ever was when I arrived back at the airport, trudging all of my luggage, and there were the boys. Mike dressed up for the occassion - not in a suit or anything, but in the shirt he knows I love, his nice shoes and khakis and did his hair. Matty had on his "mom rocks" shirt. And, I went over and of course I cried. And, then Matt cried. And, maybe even Mike had a tear. It was pretty sweet.
It was a moment I will cherish.
And, it's so good to be back.
Tomorrow though we leave again. We are going to stay at my parents' place since Matthew's daycare will be closed for two weeks. (I HATE that they close in the summer - next year we will plan vacation around that). Next week my family is taking care of him. The week after we have hired a babysitter. She's 17, Matthew and my nieces love her. And, ironically, I used to babysit her. I know it's trusting to leave a two year old with a teenage for a week but I know her entire family, I trust her completely and her mom is amazing and will be around. So, if there are any issues they will be there.
And then on top of all of this is the added fact that we got accepted to be on a reality tv show (I know - crazy) and so we are shooting for that A LOT. We're a little busy.

Almost Home Time

Tomorrow I go home.
I can't wait.
This trip has been pretty incredible on several levels. I have loved some parts and other parts were more tiring. But, it's been great.
And, I have realized a few things.
I've realized that I can be away from Matthew. It sucks and I miss him, but it's okay and we are surviving.
I've realized that I miss my husband. A lot. I just do. The Dixie Chicks (sad I know) have this line in a song that talks about sharing silences. I miss the quiet where we can be quiet together without words and be comfortable. Weird. Cause I like to talk.
I am above all looking forward to coming home and being met at the airport by my boys. I really am.
Am I homesick. Sort of kind of. It's more like I'm just ready to be home - soon ...
But for now I'm relishing the moment and not complaining.

Missing Home

Yesterday I embarked on my frist trip away from my baby.
It's been two years since I've spent more than a night away from my son and it is hard.
I'm away in Calgary on a work trip.
There are some good things. The first thing is that the flight was good, the hotel last night was great and so far the trip has run smoothly. I know that I will see a lot and learn a lot and generally it will be a good experience. I know all of this. And I am embracing it.
But, I also miss home.
I miss both of my boys. I miss their cuddles and their hugs. I missed picking Matt up at daycare today and getting the cry of "mommy mommy mommy" I always get.
Last night I felt weird when I woke up in the middle of the night and Mike wasn't there. It was weird. And, it was kind of empty.
But, I think it's also good. It's nice to miss them. It's nice to know I am missed. it was nice to get a card that Mike wrote but Matt picked (with Dora on it).And I think that you don't realize how much you love people till you miss them.
And, Friday will come soon.
Until then I will embrace the moment and the opportunity.

A Break ...

This week we took a break from everything: from work, from home, from the city, from blogging, from e-mail (including my blackberry!) in order to re-group and have a vacation.
Reading my last post I realized I was exhausted and needed to just seperate from all the crap that comes from a dizzying life. And, it was the perfect time to shut all of that off and go away.
So away we went, to the peaceful state of Vermont.
It's not the first time we have been there. My parents have been taking my sister and I since I was about 6. We go to the same places and do the same things, but being in the fresh mountain air and just doing things like going for walks, drives, etc is actually pretty refreshing.
This year we went with my parents, my sister, her husband and her 2 daughters. So, it was a full house with Mike, Matthew and I.
Matty and his cousins played. Kyla is 4 and Paige is almost 1. (they are all spaced out by 18 months). So, it was an interesting mix. One second Matt and Kyla were playing the next they were screaming. And, Paige sort of just watched it all and joined in when she could.
There were definite highs and lows. Matthew was insane. He's 2. what could we expect? It's a little bit difficult to take a toddler out of the routine he has and put him into a new one and now have any major meltdowns. So, we had a few. But, in the end he seemed pretty okay with it all and loved being with Grandma and Grandpa so much. Every morning he would get out of bed and run yelling "Gawamma - Gawampa" and find them and hop in their bed and cuddle (we had a chalet so there was lots of space) and then usually Kyla and/or Paige joined in.
For me, it was a nice chance to get a break. And, to spend some time with my boys. Mike and I had our 5th anniversary last week. And, I can't say it's been the easiest of times in our marriage. (that's as much as I will blog about).We've struggled. So, we alternated between being close and being distant and even some screaming. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I do come from the school of thought that unless you express the good and the bad there will be no future. So we rode it out and we needed a bit of that.
And, I got a lot of Matty time.
This is the first week off that I have had since I started work that was actual vacation. I took time off at Christmas, but it was for doing Christmas stuff. And, I took a week off to move but we were integrating Matt into a new daycare (which we promplty took him out of - other story) but we hdan't just taken a week to chill. So, thankfully this was that week. And, it's perfect timing because next week I will be away for a week - on my own - for the first time away from Matt. So, I kind of cherished this time.
I also realized that any vision I had of being a stay at home mom was crazy because I COULD NOT HACK IT!!! I was so ready for the daycare gods to descend once again and take care of and entertian my constantly active child.
Yikes.
So, fun filled!
Pictures to come.

My Unabashed Life as a Drama Queen

I've been wanting to write a post about this for awhile, but it didn't all come together in my head until last night.
My entire life I have had the title drma queen. I don't know who first said it, quite possibly my mother when I was a toddler. But the name, or some version of it, has stuck with me. Last night I was out with some colleagues, and after a particularly dramatic week in the world of office gossip, I got given this name ... again.
It was well deserved. I admit.
But that's not exactly what this post is about.
This post is more about me, and how I realized this week that I live in the drama of life. I do. I relish it - and I push for it. And, then I go out and live in all the highs and lows that this drama brings. I wish I could figure out why.
On the one hand I would love it if I could be like so many people who are content - who go to work every day and take their coffee breaks at 10 am and their lunch at noon and go home at five. I envy that desire for the constant and the serene. But I don't have that desire.
And, I think I'm struggling with that right now.
I mean, how can you be a good mom and a good wife and also thrive on the drama of life?
I've often thought about the post-partum, pre-blogging days when I was going through post-partum depression - not my favourite topic. I have been really trying to figure out where that came from and why. If you do research, or talk to your doctor (which of course I did) you know there are many sources. It's chemical but it's also situational. For me it was a combo.
But, I wonder if a huge part of it is all about this thing about me - that I live between the highs and the lows.
Before I had Matt, I was so excited. And, then you have this baby and it really sucks. I'm sorry, but it does. And, something that I am learning about my personality is that if I build something up and get really excited about it, I create almost a euphoric high for myself. And then, if the situation doesn't pan out it is a disastrous low. Hence the title drama queen. But, also hence the ppd. I think I completely fell apart because I was expecting a high - and I think I truly thought in my deepest of thoughts, that I would be one of those aforementioned serenity seeking people who cherished the role of motherhood, the joys of the everyday, quiet walks with my baby in his stroller, etc etc. And, when that didn't happen ...
WOW!
I fell to pieces.
And, I am still gathering those pieces two years later. So, as for my life as a drama queen ...
Well, I don't know.
Do I continue to live in the highs and the lows? I think so. Because I don't think that my personality will allow me to do anything but.
But, really, sometimes that really sucks.

A Reflection on Someone Else's Post

Today I read a post about the battle between staying at home and working and the conflict that arises. I'm putting a link here because I honestly could never say all that Her Bad Mother says in such an eloquent and educated way. http://badladies.blogspot.com/
Read it. It's amazing.
It made me want to say a lot.
It made me re-visit my decision to go back to work, the motivation behind it, and really how I am feeling now.
I have been at my current job for a year. This week I had my "anniversary". To me it's a big deal. Not so much the one-year thing, but just that I survived. I didn't think I had it in me. I didn't think I had one week in me.
Last July I sat on the GO train crying, waving goodbye to my baby and my husband, praying that I would make it through the first scary day at work without bursting into tears.
My friend Stef rode her bike down and got me through lunch (her words "you can cry or laugh - I'll do either with you. Which would you prefer" were the best).
And here I am a year later.
I've survived. And I'm happy. And so is Mike and so is Matty.
Matthew is no longer a baby. He is a toddler. He runs and plays and sings and talks and goes full time to daycare and he loves it.
But, this working thing is also really stressful. It it sucks to get up at 5:22 each morning to be out the door by 7. It sucks to sometimes have to deal with the crap that work can throw at you, to decide whether or not to partake in office gossip (and trust me, there is some good office gossip!!!). But, for me the decision was a good one.
Why?
Because I didn't feel fulfilled when I stayed at home. I was me, but a different version of me. I was the me who didn't feel like she fit in with the other moms, who was constantlly comparing herself with the others and who was floundering. The days were so long and I wasn't treasuring motherhood. I was counting the minutes till nap time and then counting the minutes till Mike was done working. My eye was always on the clock and I just wasn't dealing with it. And, believe me, Matt didn't have a happy mom. He had an aggravated, annoyed and tired mom, who was annoyed a lot.
On a visit to my doctor (I love her) she asked me about my work plans. I basically told her all of the stuff I was dealing with and she told me exactly what I needed to hear. It's okay to do what I want, that I will still be a good mom if I work and that everyone is happier when the mom is happier.
And I listened because she really is smart. And she is cool. And, if she weren't my doctor I would probably want to have a couple of drinks with her - that cool.
Oh - and there was also the financial issue that we were going broke!!
So I went back to work.
It was hard, but it was also good. I had my name restored. I was Laural Adams, not Mom or Mommy all day every day. When I said something it meant something (well, kind of ) and people actually let me fit in.
In the past year I've made friends and gotten to know some great people. I've done some bizarre activities (like riding a 20 person bike around Toronto, building stuff out of food, focus groups ...). I have laughed till I cried and I've learned to stand up for myself on issues. I've been acknowledged for hard work, and I've been rewarded for doing a good job.
I know - it's not always peachy. Work is still work. But, at the end of the day I think it's been the right thing for me to do.
My favourite part of the day is when I pick Matt up at daycare and he comes running over and gives me a huge hug. In his own way he gets it. Kids know when you are happy and when you aren't. And, I think he knows I'm pretty happy.
So, yep, Bad Mother is right. It's not about whether it's better to be a stay at home mom or a working mom. It's not really an issue of being a feminist. It's about doing what is right for you and accepting that what your choice is is what it is. And, if someone doesn't get it, or if someone thinks you are wrong well then they can deal with it.
My guess - they are still trying to figure out what they really want in life.

We have Found Nemo!

Throughout the last two years of Matthew's life, little has held his interest in the way of television.
He has his favourite shows, and Treehouse is a constant in our life, I will admit. But, there's never been a show that he just sits and watches.
We tried Baby Einstein. This started around the crawling days, when we were attempting to sell our condo and I would madly clean while Matt sat in the exersaucer (jumped in the exersaucer), ate his baby mum mums and bounced around to the music.
Never in a million years would I have left him alone with Baby Einstein sans mum mums and exersaucer because he was not that enthralled.
As he got older he developed a bit of a crush on Dora. He still loves Dora. But, again, this is not a sitting show. He likes to catch the stars, dance with her and tell Swiper not to swipe, but this is not a show he'll sit still for.
Same with Bob the Builder and Thomas. Loves them. Knows the names of all the characters, but they are mere background noise - something to talk about and play about.
But this weekend we discovered Nemo.
I'm not sure if this is an age thing (now that he has reached 2.25 years) or whether it's just the Disney geniuses, but Matty Matt is completely enthralled by Nemo.
We watch it every day. Three days in a row Nemo has come on.
We have laughed, we have cried, we have cuddled.
Never before have I seen my child so enthralled by a character on television. When the sharks try to eat Marlin and Dory Matt screams "uh oh - Nemo" (he doesn't understand that Nemo and his dad are 2 different fish). When they show Darla holding a dead goldfish he shrieks in horror.
But, he loves it.
The second time we played it - we turned it off before bedtime. (He doesn't sit for the full length of the movie). And, then once we thought he was asleep I turned it back on to watch the ending. Matt came running out of his room screaming "I hear Nemo".
He was right. He did.
How could I deprive my child? I let him sit up till 9:00 watching the end of the movie. It was good. I think we both cried. And there was lots of cuddling. It was a long weekend. Who cares.
And so I think we have a new friend.
His name is Nemo.

I did it!!!

I started trying to lose weight the Monday after Mother's Day.
I decided to set both long and short term goals. My short term goal - to lose 20 pounds before our trip to Vermont in July. I had a couple of reasons for this. The first was because I really wanted something achievable. The second ws because last time we went to Vermont I was so unhappy with my weight. I hated how I looked and I hate all the picture with me in them. I felt so out of control food wise. I wanted this year to be different.
And I did it!
I weighed myself today I have actually lost 21.5 pounds.
I did something else pretty cool today. I set my goal weight. This is something I've been avoiding, but I realized that if I put my mind to it I can hit that weight I have in my head. I have done it before, so screw my fears that I can't because I've had a baby. I've put my mind to it and I am doing it!!
As for another 20 pound goal ...
I'm not sure.
We're looking ahead to an extremely busy month of travelling, staying in Oakville for a bit and having alternate babysitters while our daycare is closed (a whole other post all of its own). I think my main goal - and my doctor would LOVE this one - is to stick with it and to not let stress ruin what I am doing. Because according to her the reason that I do overeat is, all thyroid issues aside, because I eat when I am stressed.
So, here we go again.
So, cheers to me and feeling better about myself :)